Jess Thinks This

Hello!

2009-02-05T15:22:00.000-08:00

So, here's a test of everyone's blog rollers. Am I still on some? It's been almost a year, but I have a good excuse. Something about a new baby, right? Sounds familiar.

ANYWAY, I was looking for a place to show off our new garden, so I thought I'd throw the pictures in here. The boy and I are growing vegetables and it's been a lot of fun. Here's what we have.

This is our Square Foot Garden, planted last month. Yes, in January. It's one of the good things about living in San Diego!

Top Row: Purple Queen (bush) beans, snap peas, snap peas, asparagus (pole) beabs.

Second Row: Broccoli, carrots, garlic (from sets), spinach

Third Row: Broccoli, sweet onions (from seed), red onions (from sets), spinach

Fourth Row: Butter lettuce, red leaf lettuce,

The beans and the peas look the most interesting.

The garlic is growing really well, and you can start to see some spinach coming up.

So far I'm really liking the Square Foot Gardening method. It's very organized, which I like, and it's small. It's the right scale for working with a preschooler. Gabe feels so much pride and ownership with these plants. One of his favorite things to do is to go out and water his plants. It's going to be even better when he can actually eat the vegetables. We've planted things he loves, so it'll be even better.

There it is. Our garden. I'll update in a few weeks when things look different.

And yes, I've watched a little American Idol. Gah, the singers really suck. VoteForTheWorst is going to have a lot of fun this season! I'll try to write recaps, at least until the season starts to wear on me. I swear, if there's another David Archuleta I'm quitting. *shiver*

AI 3/11/08 -- Let it be (sometimes really bad)

2008-03-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

So, it's the final twelve. The show is two freakin' hours long and full of filler and blather. Thank goodness for the FF button. There is, as always, a new set. Now the band is floating strangely in the air. What's up with that? The new set always looks like novelty candy. All shiny and new, but still kind of gross tasting.

This week we're doing Beatles songs. Kind of.

And yes, I miss Danny. Danny was awesome. Guess I should have voted, heh.

Syesha -- "Got to Get You into my Life" Unmelodious with a horrible arrangement. Yeah. She can sing glory notes. Okay, she can "sing" glory notes. It's more like shouting. The judges said she started out rough, but that's just because there was nothing for her to shout then. I've only seen the girls once (FUCKING COLD RUNNING MY LIFE!) so I can't remember her -- can she sing? I mean, like sing, not just shout glory notes?

Chikezie -- "She's a Woman" DAMN. That was good. I LOVED it. Great, interesting arrangement (without insulting the original), tons of energy, entertaining performance, and just damn good singing. There was a perfect build-up and connection with the floating band. He really had a great time, and it showed. Good on him. Shockingly, I'd actually download this performance, if I did that kind of thing. The boy danced like a maniac to this, but hated the rest of the show.

Ramiele -- "In My Life" Gosh, she's breathy. Has she been hanging out with Gaspy? Her voice is pleasant, but her performance is flat and enervating. Snore. Boring. Blah.

Jason Castro -- "If I Fell" What a delightful weirdo Jason is. I love him. His performance was beautiful, of course. He's wonderful. This was nicely paced and connected. He needs to release an album. This is totally the kind of music I used to swoon over in college. Lots of college guys will get lucky with this in their cars. Not with me, stupid, with other college students. :-P

Carly -- "Come Together" She did the entire song in the poop squat. Good for her quads! This performance was really good. It's obvious she's a professional with lots of performance experience. It's also obvious she's the chosen winner. If it weren't for all the lies she's told, I'd be more behind her. Lies, lies, lies. I will say, this was very good.

David Cook -- "Eleanor Rigby" Is this stupid poseur still around? I so wanted the breeze to blow his dumb comb-over back in his interview. David is again the anti-rock as he lames through this song. Screaming! It was all screaming! And looking pained! Stupid emo shit. At least Chris Daughtry could actually sing. Remember that? Could you really listen to a whole album of David Cook? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Brooke White -- "Let it Be" Beautiful. Restrained but not boring. Like Jason Castro, I'm not really sure what she's doing here. But man, she's a weeper, isn't she?

Frank & Beans -- "I Saw Her Standing There" Pizza Depot. Pizza Depot! PIZZA DEPOT! Did you get that? He used to work at PIZZA DEPOT. Heh. This is one time Simon should have said "karaoke." Gah. Just awful. The judges said he over-did it but to me he looked drugged. All this crazy shit was going on with the lights and the music and he just slogged around. Pretty bad man, pretty bad. PIZZA DEPOT!

Amanda Overmeyer -- "You Can't Do That" They gave her hair a hot oil treatment! Excellent. Man, is she ever monotone when she speaks. Singing she's great, but her voice just always sounds just.like.that. It's good, and she's a great performer. But it'll always be just.like.that. Just like Fucking Taylor Hicks (without the annoying faux dain bramage). Amanda's actually good, I'm not clear why she's the VFTW pick. Maybe I missed something those weeks I didn't watch.

Tooly-tool -- "Across the Universe" Pah-pah-puffing into the mike. Dude, I learned back in the kid's choir at church to never do that, and I can't sing for shit! Work on your P's, tool. God, this version of the song weighs eight tons and just never ends. It's heavy and plodding -- unremarkable. Plus, his voice sounds bad. How is it that he's supposed to be good?

Kristy Lee Cook -- "8 Days a Week" Kristy didn't pose in front of the Confederate flag at home this time -- wise! Anyway, the song. Ack! Awful! Country crap! Just terrible. Pink and gross and not over soon enough. Plus: ripped jeans are stupid because you still have to shave your legs. Duh.

Gaspy -- "We Can Work it Out" Doesn't like the Beatles? Dumbass. Can't remember the lyrics? Double dumbass. You know what guys, this kid sounds like boy-band material. I think that's why some of you like him and I think he sucks. Boy bands suck. Hey, I have a dimple, are you guys going to vote for me, too? You know what I was thinking watching this? I was thinking about the watermelon-flavored Lip Smackers I just bought the boy. Whenever I put it on him he starts licking his lips like crazy. Just like Gaspy. But, alas, the boy didn't get my dimple so you guys won't vote for him.

Best: Chikezie
Worst: Frank & Beans
Going home: Frank & Beans

Wah wah wah

2008-03-07T21:54:00.000-08:00

Victorya from Project Runway is such a freakin' tool:

http://bloggingprojectrunway.blogspot.com/2008/03/victorya-responds.html

(Read Tim Gunn's original comments are here; he describes a dour, humorless Victorya I can totally believe, especially after reading her response)

AI 3/4/08 -- The 80's had some good music, at least

2008-03-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, so last week I had the worst cold ever. Still do, in fact. I didn't even watch the show except for about half the boys. I'm telling you, if you're thinking about coming to Southern California, beware of this cold. It's nasty. Awful. Just plain miserable.

You know what's even better than having this awful cold? Having it while pregnant and being the primary caretaker for a toddler who just got over it. Suffice to say, I'm in a bad mood.

At least this show was only an hour. I was so relieved to see that, seriously.

Luke Menard -- "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" Going from talking about cross-dressing to a Wham! song? Right. Any joke I'd try would just be lazy. Luke sounded like a low-energy copy. Blah. He should have had EITHER the short-shorts or the crazy dancing. Both would have gotten him more votes, for sure. Simon called it "girly." Heh, right on Simon.

David Archuleta -- "Another Day in Paradise" I still don't get it. David's just not that good. WHAT are you people hearing? If you heard this in another room and didn't know it was the gaspy golden boy, you just wouldn't love it. Trust me. He's being sold as wonderful but he's just.not.that.good. And God, he sounds like a beauty pageant contestant with this homeless stuff. I wonder what his stance on world peace is?

Danny Noriega -- "Tainted Love" Sorry guys, I still love Danny. His singing is at least as good as Gaspy's, plus he can actually perform. Be honest, he's clearly the most entertaining of all the singers -- male or female. I really enjoyed him again. Maybe I'm just a fag hag, but I love him. AND, I love the purple streaks. Go Danny!

David Hernandez -- "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" Boogers are more embarrassing than the world knowing you were a stripper at a franks 'n beans bar? Good to know. You know who I hate more than Celine Dion? Meatloaf. So yeah, there was no way I was going to like this. Plus, why would you sing a Celine song if you had a big gay thing come out (so to speak)? David sings the horrible song I can't stomach just fine, if a little nasal. Once again, I really hate this song so maybe he sang like a fucking angel. I'll really never know.

Michael Johns -- "Don't You Forget About Me" Michael's voice is wiggly. I don't know what else to call it. I think it's just part of his greaseball affect, though. The song sounds okay, but the lyrics just don't seem to have any meaning when he sings. He could be singing the phone book and it'd sound the same. Simon calls him a wannabe rock singer. Yup.

David Cook -- "Hello" Isn't that hair his most embarrassing thing? Dude. I almost liked this, except I hate emo. And dammit, Randy called it emo too. I said it first, dog. David Cook's a faker tool, but I didn't hate him singing this. Progress? No, I still can't stand to look at him.

Jason Castro -- "Hallelujah" OMG, I love Jason Castro forever. Forever and ever. Plus, I'm crying. RIP Jeff Buckley. Leonard Cohen still rocks. This song is amazing. Jason did a really great job. It was perfect. WHAT is he doing here? I still want to see him do a disco song, but I hope he doesn't get crushed. Too bad Idol is going to own his soul for like ten years after this.

Chickezie -- "Al the Woman I Need" God, it's so easy to forget how bad music could be in the 80's. Passable. Boring. Crap. *meh* Can we see Jason Castro again?

Best: Jason Castro
Worst: Luke Menard
Going home: Luke & Frank 'n Beans

AI 2/20/08 -- Let's stay awake for the top 12 girls

2008-02-21T17:00:00.001-08:00

Wow. So the singing was much better. It was just so boooooooring. It couldn't be over fast enough, but I swear the show was ten hours long.

Kristy Lee Cook -- "Rescue Me" Aw man, she sold her horse? That's cold. At least she got a hook to get on camera, but that poor horse. I hope it was worth it, because she completely blew her shot. She was so boring and lethargic, I swear the band fell asleep. Yeah, she was sick, but trust me, you pull it together when it's really important. That was . . . bad. The only thing that was not boring about her was her annoying nose crinkle. Ugh, I bet she thinks that's cute.

Joanne Borgella -- "I Say a Little Prayer" Dropping out on the low notes, shaking on the high notes, disappearing into the background. What a disappointment. She sounded like a terrified Nell Carter impersonator. I expected more when I saw Toccara was going to be on the show.

Alaina Whitaker -- "More Today than Yesterday" Hey, look at those big ol' chicklet teeth. Man, if I had teeth that big I'd tell the dentist "dude, not the whitest white shade, 'kay?" Alaina's wearing the strangest top, I think she stole it from the Golden Girls. Kind of a weird choice for an (almost) 17-year-old. At least her boobs weren't falling out everywhere. This IS Idol, you know. Alaina sings fine, but her performance is somewhat uninspiring and a bit dull. She's young guys, really young.

Amanda Overmeyer -- "Baby Please Don't Go" Hey, more skunk stripes. Now we have visual lessons for the guys and the girls out there: do not do this or you will look like that. You'll thank me. Amanda reminds me of that chick who should have won that awful show I hate to admit I watched (Rock Star Supernova). She definitely has a distinctive style and it's definitely all her, I just don't know if she can get by with growling and mumbling. This is a dumb singing popularity contest, not like, an attempt to actually have a hit record. Did anyone else get a strong Roseanne Barr vibe when she sang?

Amy Davis -- "Where the Boys Are" Ooooh, awful. Did Alyssa Milano ever try to sing? I bet it would look and sound just like this. Simon was right, this felt like it went on forever. I left the room and wandered around the house, and she was still up there "singing" with her disturbing facial twitch. Oh man, super bad.

Brooke White -- "Happy Together" Man oh man, this chick's weird. Weird. She talks about staying away from the dark side, but I think I'd prefer the dark side to wherever she's hanging out. She totally reminds me of someone I knew from high school. She was a preacher's daughter and always went on about how "good" and "Godly" she was, but she was a mean-ass crazy bitch. Oh, Brooke's singing was fine but unremarkable. Just weird. *shiver*

Paula says the "competition" is about "originality." I love it when shows have jokes to wake me up!

Alexandrea Lushington -- "Spinning the Wheel" Meh, I didn't love it. It was mushy and the song depends on rich vocals contrasting with syncopated pauses. She just sang the whole thing through a mouth of gummi bears. Her performance itself was great, and I think that distracted Randy and Paula, but the singing just wasn't right. I think she has a fantastic voice, but the song was ruined.

Kady Mulloy -- "Groovy Kind of Love" I was so weirded out by the Britney impression. That was so bizarre. But yeah, she sang better as Britney than she did as "herself." She does that nasal country thing I hate so much. It's a deal killer for me, sorry. Why was she wearing a maternity dress?

Asia'h Epperson -- "Piece of my Heart" I actually liked this one. The singing was good and I didn't fall asleep. She didn't try to ape Janis, but sang it in her own voice. It was a bit overly cheery for the subject matter, but I give her an A+ for not boring the shit out of me. I really hope they drop the dad stuff soon because it's really sad, and if it becomes her shtick, I'm going to have to make fun of her for that. I really don't want to be that bitch.

Ramiele Mulabay -- "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" Pleasant, but again, BORING. Her voice is nice, if a little breath-y in places. That doesn't change the fact that the whole thing was a snore. SNORE. Do people really listen to and enjoy performances like this? Is this what you guys have on in your cars? How do you stay awake to drive? Wait, who am I to judge? My car has the Backyardingans on a continual loop. "Like dirty socks on monster feet" Now that's a good line. Idol should do a Backyardigans theme night.

Syesha Mercado -- "Tobacco Road" Broken record here: great singer, boring-ass performance. I kept hoping she'd shut up so I could listen to the band. They seemed to be having at least a little bit of fun.

Carly Smithson -- "Shadows of your Smile" So this is the putative winner? Wow, okay. I find it a little, um, weird that she had a whole album released and everything. Doesn't it seem like she already had her chance to make it big? But, whatever, she was still a snore. She should at least have let the tats free so I could look at them. I wonder where her shop is.

So that's that. Better singing than the boys, but far worse performances. What a waste of two hours of television. I hope next week's theme is "You girls don't get anymore ballads so get moving."

Best: Asia'h Epperson
Worst: Amy Davis
Going home: Amy Davis and Kady Mulloy

AI 2/19/08 -- The "best" 12 guys

2008-02-20T21:14:00.000-08:00

Please tell me you're not buying this "best season ever" crap on Idol. Please. Yeah, they have some ringers with some experience, but this sounds like every other season before. They always say "best season ever." Do you really think they're going to say "this season kind of sucks compared to last season, but watch anyway!" Come on.

So, I might be a little more grumpy than usual. I know. This should be fun. My pregnant ass is really picky*, so watch out. I didn't really watch any of the auditions (save San Diego) nor did I see the Hollywood shows. Booo-ring. I don't know who was pimped and who wasn't, but I know some of you already lurrrve some of these jackasses.

There are about three hundred and fifty-eight people singing tonight, so let's dive in.

David Hernandez -- "In the Midnight Hour" Nice voice, forgettable presence. My notes say "Sucks" but obviously I wasn't really aware of how things would go from here. He's pretty good, but needs to find a personality and maybe, I don't know, move a limb or two during the song.

Chikezie -- "More Today than Yesterday" Aw, man, I wanted to love Chikezie. I mean, look at him! He looks like he'd be tons of fun. Orange suit, man! Orange suit! Chikezie commits the biggest Idol sin and is just boring. I'm sure I saw this performance on The Love Boat at my grandma's house when I was a kid. At least then I had an ice cream bar and could fall asleep halfway through. Adios Chikezie. Let's hang out!

David Cook -- "Happy Together" Oooh, that's some fug hair. Man this performance was awful. It was screechingly bad. It's the Turtles! Come on! This guy must be heavily pimped, because he sucks donkey ass. I love that Idol keeps trying to give us "rockers." Heh.

Jason Yeager -- "Moon River" Skunk stripe fug hair. If this guy sticks around I'm going to call him Pepe. The voice is thin and warbly and he's a total cheeseball. They're going to have to show his son a few more times to make sure he gets votes. Aw man, fug hair on the boy too. Poor kid.

Paula says the 60's is "tough." No, you idiot, it's only tough when you suck. You picked these guys, so it's on you.

Robbie Carrico -- "One" This guy toured with Britney Spears? I guess that explains HIS fug hair. He got to borrow the ratty weave tonight. Something makes me think this guy is not really so much the humble guy. He sings pretty well, but he's 100% boy band and 0% "rocker," whatever the hell that is. You just know Ryan is dying to take Robbie out for a hair cut and a nice mani/pedi. In other news, I was totally distracted by the 39 strings on his shirt. It looks like if you tie the strings together just right, you can make a nifty straight jacket. Handy!

David Archuleta -- "Better Shop Around" This is the guy with the paralyzed vocal chord, right? You totally can't tell, until he sings that is. He's nasal and annoying. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to your new Anthony Fedorov?

Danny Noriega -- "Jailhouse Rock" Hey! It's one I like! And Simon hates! Danny had yet even MORE fug hair, but for him it kind of works (like Christian on Project Runway). The performance wasn't perfect but it was actually fun, which was a refreshing change from the dregs before him. I hope the anti-pimp works for him and he stays around for a long, long time.

Luke Menard -- "Everybody's Talkin'" This guy's a carpet cleaner? I call bullshit. I bet he's an aspiring actor/model and cleans carpets to pay the bills. He'll get the pretty-boy vote for a long time (even though he screwed up and showed the wife). He's going to need every single pretty-boy vote he can find. My ears!

Colton Berry -- "Suspicious Minds" Dude, what's with all this fug hair? Is this Sanjaya's fault? What the HELL happened to these boys? Colton rocks the Homer Simpson blue pants, which was the most interesting thing about him. Meh, meh, meh.

Damn, Simon is looking old. Ryan doesn't have an aging portrait of himself sitting in his attic, he has Simon. Get some sleep Simon!

Garrett Haley -- "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" That's totally a chick, right? Is this some sort of joke? Why is this person here? Do I need to mention the hair? The voice? I feel sorry for the guy (guy, right?). Hopefully this will the last time he gets put through this. Us too.

Jason Castro -- "Daydream" Finally! I like this guy's hair. I'm capricious, I know. The one thing I do know is having dreads that long takes an insane amount of time and commitment. You don't just wake up one day and say "I want to stand out on a lame singing-based reality contest, how can I make my hair really weird?" No, dreads take planning. Jason rocks and is really, really good. He's genuine and I'm really wondering how he ended up here. God I hope he makes it to a disco theme night.

Michael Johns -- "Light my Fire" Tool. Tooly, tooly, tool-tool. He's got tooly hair, a tooly affect, and sings like a tool with a sinus infection. I'd call him Craftsman but I actually really like my tools from Sears. I bet people love this guy. People loved Constantine, remember? I know I'm getting old and embarrass myself when I squee when Camper Van Beethoven is on the radio, but I'm pretty sure I remember what "rock" looks like. This is not what "rock" looks like. Clay, Constantine, Ace, Michael -- you ladies need to get out more often.

So? The best Idol ever? They must mean the girls.

Best: Jason Castro
Worst: David Cook
Going home: Chickezie and Garrett Healey

*If you didn't know I was knocked up, let me introduce you to my other blog.

A Very Special AI Audition Recap

2008-01-23T12:04:00.000-08:00

Yes it's true, I still think the auditions are asinine. That hasn't changed. But last night's episode was in San Diego. I can't resist.

To make this experience complete, start playing Buck-O-Nine's "My Town" on repeat while you're reading this.

Okay, so we start off the San Diego episode. San Diego, city of beaches, sun, bikinis, and palm trees. America's finest city! How does AI start it off? With a couple of old white guys who can't even complete a sentence. Maybe my impression of San Diego is all wrong. My friend Maja says San Diego is the most breast-obsessed city in the world. See Maja? Not breasts. Old white guys. Crazy Kiwi.

Oh, and there HAS to be a Sea World shot in every San Diego montage. Let me assure you, Sea World is BORING. It costs like five hundred dollars and there's hardly anything to do or see. Sure, there's "Shamu," but even that show sucks now. (Pssst, Shamu is long dead, those whales you see are impostors). We went on a couple free tickets last summer and, yup, it still stinks. If you're ever coming here for a visit, save your money. Go to the zoo instead. It's not worth shelling out that much money just to watch a big whale splash shit. Seriously.

The big ol' cattle call auditions are at Qualcomm stadium (AKA "The Q"), which was more fun when it was called "The Murph." It used to be the home of the Chargers and the Padres, until the Pads conned the city into building a big-ass, expensive stadium just for them downtown. Downtown? Where the traffic and parking were already hellish? Yes, that downtown. Now the Chargers are pouting because they want their own over-priced, inconvenient stadium. Man, to beat the Padres' stadium it'd have to be, like, suspended three feet above the water in the bay or something. Or in Arizona. A side note: my husband and I were at the new stadium and, from our seats, we were able to count no fewer than one hundred and eighty-two ads visible without standing up or turning around. Good lord!

ANYWAY, so the actual auditions are clearly not at the Q. There is nothing luxe about the Q. It's a gigantic concrete bowl in a swampy river valley. It's like they're not even pretending that the cattle call auditions have anything to do with who gets through. Yes, I'm joining in on the ringer suspicions.

So the auditions start out with Paris Hilton, who actually gets through. Didn't we have some sort of national referendum on Paris Hilton? Aren't we done with her? We all like Nicole Ritchie now, right? She has a baby. A baby beats a wonky eye and tons of STD's.

Then we get Perrie. Perrie's a single dad who lost his kid's mom to, what sounds like, gang violence. Sad. :-( What's even sadder? He's going to "make his life better" by leaving him and pursuing his dream in Hollywood. I think he'd rather have his only parent with him, but what do I know? I'm just a kid who grew up with a single parent and I would have been devastated if my mom would have gone off and left me for weeks to do her own thing.

*edited to change the daughter to a son. Go figure, that was the prettiest, highest-voiced little boy I've seen in a long time*

So Perrie gets through because he's a hot single dad who can kind of sing. On the plus side, he has the cutest kid in the entire world.

Hey! There are still people who are fans of Mariah? Wow, good for her.

So, they just said that the judges are at the Rancho Bernardo Inn. Well, that's at least thirty minutes from the Q, and more than 45 minutes from the beaches they keep showing you. Actually, they keep showing you beaches in Coronado, which is not really San Diego -- almost AI! The Rancho Bernardo Inn is just down the street from my kid's pediatrician, in case you were wondering.

I LOVE Monique and her main gay, whatshisname. They'd been through "so much" to get there. You're telling me, they had to come up through traffic on I-15 to get there. *shudder*

Let's not forget weird Samantha and her weirder sister. Sam is totally a ringer, but I am eternally grateful for them being dumb brunettes. It gives us blonds a break. Sam has a weird botox look, but she still can move her eyebrows and stuff. You have to see it to believe it. It's like she goes through life surprised, but someone told her moving her face gives her totally un-awesome wrinkles, so she tries not to show it.

Freaky mama's-boy Blake does not get through, again. Raise your hand if you got a Bates Motel feeling from mom. The good news is girls, I bet he's single!

Finally, I have to mention faux-hippie Alberto Hurtado. I SWEAR I went to high school with this guy. He was a total smart ass attention whore, and he was totally awesome. Not the best actor ever, but fun to have around. Armando? Is that you? Remind me to get my husband to look at the tape and see what he thinks. If it's not him, he has a doppelganger here in San Diego. Awesome.

So a bunch of people get through, including a kid with a paralyzed vocal chord. (Yikes). I think AI is making a valiant effort to cut off the VFTW vote, but their baser motives will come through. Some dumb idiot no-talents will make it through to the top 24, they won't be able to resist. Mark my words. My God, Taylor Hicks WON! Do you need any more evidence than that?

I'll leave you with this: if you haven't yet seen pictures of Clay Aiken in Spamalot, I command you to Google that shit right now. Comedy!

Etsy shop!

2007-11-14T16:23:00.000-08:00

Check out the left column for a neat little applet that shows what's currently for sale at my brand-new Etsy shop!

http://www.smack103.etsy.com/

We're fine

2007-10-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

We're fine.

Here's an update (mostly) taken from an e-mail I sent out to a good friend.

Yesterday morning an evacuation was called for just about a mile or so north of our house so we decided to pack up and go to my mom's (she's out in the desert). We headed out and after forty minutes of driving they announced on the radio that the freeway was shut down. Sooo, we turned around drove back. We got home and were checking status and our power went out (!!) and then they added another evacuation just to the east of us. We gathered up some phone numbers of people we know in the city and figured that if we get turned away again, we'll go stay with someone else. Thankfully the road was open and we were able to get across, but they weren't kidding when they said the winds were high. I've never seen anything like it. It was terrifying. They said gusts up to 70mph and I believe it. A few times I thought the windows in the van were going to blow out. The emergency call boxes had been blown off their bolts! It was awful.

Last night our neighborhood was added to the voluntary evacuation list and they were talking during the press conferences about how worried they were about our neighborhood in particular, so we're really glad we got out. It looks like our house isn't in any immediate danger right now, but we're not headed back any time soon.

My dad went by the house this morning and said everything looks fine. The wind was calm and there wasn't too much smoke in the air, not like before. He said that almost the whole neighborhood was empty. There were no cars driving around, just national guardsmen. Thank goodness they're there.

It was so smoky at our house. The boy and I are both really hoarse and have bad coughs. Ugh. I tried to call the doctor but the office is closed (evacuated too). If we're still doing poorly tomorrow I might find a doctor out here.

We're very thankful we're here and VERY thankful we were able to get out when we did. Now we have a mountain range and a stretch of desert between us and the fires. The four of us are safe and we have our most treasured possessions with us. Thousands of people have lost their homes and there are more in danger now, so we are so lucky.

Do you pray?

2007-10-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

If you pray, this would be a good time to start. Southern California is ablaze. We've just gotten a huge evacuation order here in San Diego. HUGE. It goes to just about a mile north of us, so we're leaving too.

If you have a spare prayer or two, please send them down here to us in San Diego. Pray for a break in the winds. Conditions are bad and aren't forcasted to get much better for a couple days.

This is fucking scary.

Pictures -- My dog ate my gym bag!

2007-10-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

I love how dogs can look so guilty, even though they have no earthly idea they did anything wrong.

Can't keep his nose out of it.

My $7 gym bag! I'd say it's ruined but you know me, I'll just slap some duct tape on it and use it for another ten months.

Not pictured: the victory vomit or the towel. *smooches!*

Not sure what to think here

2007-10-18T08:24:00.001-07:00

The dog ripped into the side of my gym bag to get a baggie of graham crackers I had in there for the boy.

This is bad.

He then vomited up the bag and last night's dinner -- but he did it on a dirty beach towel.

This is very, very good.

Um, yay?

Confession is good for the soul

2007-09-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

I put my son in disposable diapers when I think he's going to poop. There, I said it. I hate washing the poop out in the toilet. I hate having to clean everything up. I hate trying to do it all with a (nearly) two-year-old trying to "help" while exclaiming "Poo! Penis! Poo! Penis!" the whole time. This pooping every day is for the birds.

So, I expect the hippie police to be by any second to rough me up. Good thing they're probably all vegan, I can totally take a vegan.

So, there's my confession. How the mighty have fallen. Before you know it I'll be buying Nestle products at Wal-Mart.

More hoo-has, sorry

2007-09-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I promised to shut up about vaginas. Well, too bad. I just had to share this. This is GREAT blog post about the aftermath of a c-section. It's written by another homebirth transfer mom. I cried, I really did.

http://bostonhealthcoach.blogspot.com/2007/09/response-to-quote-from-jennifer-blocks.html

VBAC VBAC VBAC
ICAN ICAN ICAN

Girl, please.

2007-07-18T22:54:00.001-07:00

The things you fight about when you've known each other since before you could read. Good LORD.

We just got into a fight about this:

Go ahead and read it, I'll wait

Me: Look at all the crap they did to this photograph.

Him: Those are two different photographs. Look at all the things that are different.

Me: Uh, no shit, that's the POINT. They made her plastic and unreal, like an idealized teenager.

Him: Yeah, I believe they do that, but not here. These are clearly two different pictures.

Me: What the hell? Let me explain to you exactly how they do this. It's called Photoshop.

Him: But her body's all different!

Me: Point, meet husband.

Him: Two different pictures.

Me: Fine. Nevermind. Forget I mentioned it.

Him: What? I'm not allowed an opinion?

Me: Yes you are, and I'm telling you you're wrong.

ARG!

Care about birth? Read this book.

2007-06-18T20:06:00.001-07:00

People who know me know I'm a bit deep into birth and breastfeeding issues. Having a transport and a c-section instead of my planned homebirth was (and is) a really hard thing for me to deal with. A LOT of people don't understand why. They don't understand why I'm so passionate about homebirth, VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean), and breastmilk for babies.

Breastmilk being the best food for babies is well-documented. I can point to any number of sources whenever people question why I'm still nursing the boy. The birth stuff? It's been harder to direct people to a good source. Usually, when I start talking I get the "Dang, the dumb hippy's flapping her lips again" look.

My prayers have been answered. I heard about this book, Born in the USA: How a broken maternity system must be fixed to put women and children first, on the ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) e-mail list. Let me tell you, it was the best sixteen and a half bucks I've spent in a long time. Marsden Wagner is a source from the "inside." Read his CV here.

Now, read the book.

When we're planning for homebirth "take two" I think this will be required reading for anyone coming to the birth.

Oh, and if you find yourself getting a little bit fired up about VBAC and cesarean prevention and would like to help out ICAN, try this:

Go to http://www.goodsearch.com/ and in the box that says "enter your charity here" put "cesarean." Now, every time you do a search from goodsearch, ICAN will get a little bit of cash. No, really, they will! Isn't that cool? It's my #1 search engine these days.

Alright, that's enough talk about vaginas. Funny next time, I promise.

So you think you can make a video? I mean dance?

2007-06-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

I'm loving So You Think You Can Dance. It is the awesome. Please, anyone who votes, vote for Hok. He's the best. Please do not vote for Benji's creepy sister. I think the age-old question has been answered: weird, annoying face-pulling is genetic.

Did you all like the "weird" guy? He's a great dancer but he's just a little bit . . . different. He makes music. Did you know? It's awesome.

Enjoy!

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=688888846

The "Make it up as you Go" Baby Blanket is Done!

2007-05-29T10:56:00.001-07:00

I know some of you have been interested in my latest project. It's a baby blanket for someone very special to our whole family. Someone who lives very, very far away. It's based on a simple spiral dishcloth and I kind of made up a pattern as I got going. I wanted something reversible and stretchy so I did a 2x2 ribbing that I wasn't sure how was going to work until it actually, surprisingly, did. I added the picot edging so the bind-off edge would be nice and soft. I have a problem with tight bind-offs, but I'm working on it.

It's circular, I promise. This is the best I could do with the boy's "help."

I made it with Knit Picks Cotlin in "Nightfall" and held double throughout. It's machine washable and dryable (I refuse to give baby blankets that are not -- oh what a dirty business a newborn is). I think the needle size is 9, but I used Knit Picks Options so I'd have to get my needle gauge out to be sure. Anyone know where my needle gauge is? Can you tell I'm not the most anal of knitters?

Right now I'm working on a cute little hat for someone who will probably be really surprised I made something for her, but a little voice called out "You need to make her a hat." Who am I to ignore the voices in my head?

Enjoy the extra-crisp photographs this time. Just as I was all set up to snap some pictures the boy grabbed my camera and gave the lens a big lick. "SLURP!" I searched high and low for my lens cleaning supplies but quickly remembered that they were stashed somewhere "safe" a few weeks ago when the boy decided that the blower brush tasted yummy and the cleaning solution bottle was a fun thing to throw at the dog. Oh, and the cleaning papers rip out of the pad with a delicious little zip.

I won't post exactly what I did to clean the lens since I have actual, honest-to-goodness, professional photographer friends who read this blog occasionally. I want to make sure they keep talking to me. Suffice it to say, the lens is clean and you all should probably remember that I did my doctoral work in high-speed optics so I have some experience with on-the-fly lens cleaning. I made a good choice, in the end. Heh.

Fucking Dog

2007-05-25T21:29:00.000-07:00

The dog just got skunked. Again. We had the van all packed up and were just about to get in and drive over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house. (Not so much on the river, but maybe a creek or two) The dog darted out and took a shot to the front. Loverly. Now the house stinks, the dog stinks, and our trip is over before it started. What are you doing for Memorial Day Weekend?

While I'm here -- no I didn't watch the finale of Idol because, frankly, I couldn't have cared less. That season sucked. Jordin won? Whatever.

You know what doesn't suck? So You Think You Can Dance! You'd better believe I watched. Luckily the boy is better about watching silly people dancing than he is silly people singing.

I love Jamal. Love him. He rocked.

Where am I?

2007-04-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck in emergency plumbing hell. Hopefully this will be the last day but the plumber went out for lunch "for no more than an hour" three hours ago. . . .

Anyway, I haven't watched last night's show. I have watched last week's show. I haven't watched ANYTHING except Thomas, Bob, and the Wiggles. I can't even freakin' shower!

Keep your fingers crossed for next week, 'kay?

American Idol 4/10/07 -- ¡Mis orejas!

2007-04-11T14:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so this was as awesomely bad as I had hoped. Jennifer Lopez? Ha! She's #1 on the Latin charts? Well, there must not be many Latin albums selling right now because the album? She's tanking.

What's more exciting than Jennifer Lopez? Mickey Dolenz in the audience! They totally should do a Monkees night. I think I would die of glee.

So anyway, Jennifer Lopez/J-Lo/Sparkles. We're all clear on the fact that she can't sing and hasn't really done any decent acting since she played Selena. Even that's questionable since she was basically playing herself and the biggest requirements for the part were a convincing accent and a nice ass. She's a good dancer though. I'm not going to deny that.

Let's sing some "Latin" songs.

Melinda -- "Sway" Oooh, super Latin. Melinda sounds good, as usual, but this song has a certain swing -- dare I say "sway?" Her singing was damped and the phrasing was boring. Check this out: I actually prefer the Pussycat Dolls version. I know! Simon said the performance was "lounge, cabaret." I think the problem is it wasn't ENOUGH lounge or cabaret.

LaKisha -- "Conga" First: I cringe whenever anyone says they went on a reality show to make a better life for their kid. No. You went on a reality show to be on television. Own it. LaKisha bombs out terribly on this song. It was awful and lifeless. I've always thought this song was way more fun for the band than the singer or the audience. I love the baseline and the whole thing looks like a party if you're playing an instrument. Even at performance #2 I wrote: going home. This was a bad enough performance to thin out a diva. Sorry LaKisha's daughter! Hope your momma has another idea how to take care of you!

Chrisberlake -- "Smooth" I'm still tired of this song. It hasn't been long enough I guess. Give me about twenty years and then maybe I'll be able to hear it again. J-Lo (man is that name dumb, no wonder she doesn't want to use it anymore) "helps" Chrisberlake find his key -- she would know from simple songs that are way out of the singer's range. It seems like they should have kept looking for the right key. This was B-A-D. I would like to call and vote for those other two guys on stage, though. What were their numbers?

Nakey (aka Haley) -- "Turn the Beat Around" Stripper heels! Let's add stripper heels to Nakey's whole deal. Garish red lipstick completes the look. I love that Simon called her out on slutting it up. The singing was bad. So, so bad. She'll still get votes, I guess.

Phil -- "Maria, Maria" Ouch, get that boy a Sudafed. His whole song sounded like "Blurgh, blurgh, murgh, murghria, murghria, murgh, blurgh." What did Jennifer Lopez do to these people? Everyone sucks, like hard. If LaKisha doesn't go Phil will.

Jordin -- "Rhythm is Gonna Get You" Jordin's okay, except for being shaky and breaking. It's better and more interesting than just about anything else so far (even Melinda -- I DARE you to remember anything interesting about Melinda's performance). Not her fault but I'm disappointed by the band's anemic "Whoomp." That's the only good part of this song.

BeatBoxBlake -- "I Need to Know" Finally! It's good! BBB does Skeletor's song proud. I forget that I actually kind of like a Marc Anthony song until I hear this one. BBB adds some life and spice to the night with this performance. He even has some decent phrasing and pacing, something that has been totally missing so far. Everyone talks about Melinda and LaKisha, but I think BBB is the one to beat. He's a decent singer and a great performer. He's tons more fun than the other two combined.

Someone tell me if I'm going to miss anything if I watch last night's House without watching last week's. I don't know if I'm going to be able to watch that episode, like, ever. No.

Sanjaya -- "Bésame Mucho" J-Lo likes him because she understands mildly talented "singers" who are a mainly jokes. It's good to be self-aware. And sparkly. Did you notice how EVERYONE was sparkly this week? Weird. When I think Latin I don't really think "glitter." Anyway, Sanjaya keeps the world guessing by actually doing pretty well. Seriously. He was better and more entertaining than most of the others. I don't know if it's lowered expectations or semi-decent hair, but I kind of enjoyed him. Vote Sanjaya! If he comes back next week his pornstache might be all the way grown in!

So there you go. Jennifer Lopez "sings" tonight. Let's see if her control freak husband Skeletor makes an appearance.

Best? BeatBoxBlake
Worst? A tie of awfulness: LaKisha, Phil, and Nakey.
Going home? LaKisha. Shocking. Not.

This recap brought to you by toddler boy crack, aka: Bob the Builder. Heh.

Last Week's Idol (4/3/07)

2007-04-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

I just watched it. I know. Croup sucks. Croup sucks even more when Daddy is off on a camping trip. I think the boy is mostly on the mend. Poor kid will get his first Easter egg hunt next year, I guess.

I like Tony Bennett. I love swing and big band. This show? I didn't like. Here are quick thoughts:

BeatBoxBlake -- "Mack the Knife" Loved it. It was young, energetic, and fun. Ignoring the subject matter for now, I thought it was great.

Phil -- "Night and Day" Awful. It sounded like Bono trying to imitate Sinatra. Simon said gloomy, I said joyless and funereal.

Melinda -- "I Got Rhythm" Good, again. Poor girl got attacked by a flat iron. Her whole . . . deal . . . freaks me out.

Chrisberlake -- "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" Chrisberlake is biting JT so hard I keep expecting a fake Timbaland to come out. The song was blah -- okay but not spectacular. He was saved by it being a spectacular song that just about anyone can sing.

Jordin -- "On A Clear Day" Very nice. Her voice was clear and pretty. I thought it was very current.

Gina -- "Smile" Yeah, not surprised she went home. Singing at us with ugly eye makeup, a nasty tongue ring, and a peek-a-cooch shirt? Who'd vote for that? The singing was boring and she's still a big poser. A real "rock chick" would have revved this up to be a punk song. How cool would that have been?

Sanjaya -- "Cheek to Cheek" Tony likes Sanjaya and, you know what? So do I. He cracks me up. He sounded better than usual and his whole Steve Martin-esque vibe worked. He still sucks hardcore, but I love the lather his mere existence puts people in. Vote Sanjaya!

Haley -- "Ain't Misbehavin'" Dang, by next week she's going to have to be performing totally naked. I feel like I've seen more of Haley than I've seen of myself (not like I want to look since the c-section, you know). Haley terribles up the song and, fittingly, it turns into a burlesque stripper song. And there you go.

LaKisha -- "Stormy Weather" Good again. Less boring, but I didn't jump out of my seat. Not much else to say.

Best? Blake for performance, Melinda for singing
Worst? Phil. I'm still bummed just thinking about his performance.
Went home? Gina, and that's just fine.

Tonight? Tonight is Jennifer Lopez! No, she doesn't want to be called "J. Lo" anymore, get with the program. I can't wait to see what ol' Jenny has to offer. I bet her "singing" "advice" will be just priceless.

No Idol Post Today

2007-04-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

The boy has a nice bout of the croup and neither of us really slept last night. I don't see how I'm going to even watch the show. Sorry guys.

I'll try to get something by the end of the weekend.

Totally bragging post

2007-03-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

You wanted to see it so here it is. The boy's sweater.

It's "Triple the Fun" from The Yarn Girls' Guide to Kid Knits knit in two colors of Lion Brand Yarn's Lion Cotton held together. The buttons are cars, of course. With this kid I'd be insane to pick anything else.

It's the 2 year size and, thankfully, it's a little big. It needs to fit next fall because I'm not sure we'll be wearing sweaters anymore this spring, not even cotton ones.

So much stockinette.

Car buttons! Anyone want to guess how long these will stay on?

The hood? We're not sold on the hood yet.

So that's it, the sweater is finally done. Up next are several items for babies coming soon and then off to Christmas knitting. THIS year I'll make Christmas gifts. THIS YEAR. I'll start early! I'll make personalized things! I won't be up until 3am Christmas Eve!

Are you guys laying bets yet?

American Idol -- I used to like Gwen Stefani

2007-03-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

So, the boy's down for a nap and I'm free. I'd rather be finishing seaming up the sweater I'm making for him, but I know I owe you guys.

Yeah, I didn't even watch last week. I only saw the first four performances before the whole show deleted itself from my DVR. We lost last week's episode of 24, too. Now that's sad! It was a week full of waiting to find out if a family member is seriously (terminally) ill or just really sick (still waiting), meeting up with one of my closest friends ever (who lives in another country now), and finding out one of the most precious people in my family's life is expecting (also now living in another country).

What did I see last week? BeatBoxBlake being amazing and Haley's cooch. You have to pay for the good by seeing the bad sometimes. My notes for Stephanie's performance said "going home, Beyonce sucks." Well, there you go.

This week we all are saddened by seeing what Gwen Stefani has become. Remember the Gwen who broke her foot but kept performing? Then she got a cast and kept performing? Remember when No Doubt was awesome? Gwen's solo work has been depressing. Oh, and her "clothing line" is butt.ugly. You know it is.

Gwen's commentaries are bland and funny, in a rehearsed way. She tells people to stop sucking and no one listens to her. Would you? Why would anyone who's seen this?

Now, the performances.

LaKisha -- "Last Dance" LaKisha is warbly on the low notes and iffy on the high ones. It's boring and unmemorable. I defy you to remember one thing about that performance besides her cute dress and gorgeous cleavage. The judges are dirty, stinking liars. It wasn't good.

AnnieChris -- "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" Karaoke is only fun if everyone is drunk. Maybe AnnieChris was drunk. Then at least he was having fun. Me? Not so much. The singing was breathy and quiet. If he had done that in the auditions I don't think he'd have made it to the judges in the first place. Gwen says "Chris, don't suck." Chris does not listen.

Gina --- "Stand by You" I liked it. I really did. I bet this is as shocking to you as it was to me. She's still a poser. The outfit was laughable. I thought Haley had a lock on the whole "streetwalker chic" vibe this season. Gina looked ridiculous in a painted pleather sausage casing and confusing fuck-me boots with crosses on them.

Sanjaya -- "Bathwater" I said before I'm not mentioning the hair and I won't. I told someone earlier today that Sanjaya's having a hair tantrum. All you other parents of toddlers know the best way to end a tantrum is to ignore it. This is me ignoring the hair tantrum. Gwen tells us Sanjaya sucks and then asks him to not suck. Then he sucks. But really, this is so bad it's fun. He's terrifically, unbelievably bad. And I love it. The singing is stupid and terrible, just sit back and enjoy it. The song is weird and it sounds even weirder with the gender change. Like Sanjaya would be singing about a girl. The best part? Paula calls him a poser. Comedy.

Haley -- "True Colors" Haley gives us another beauty pageant talent competition performance. She looks like a drag queen and is still trying to get free annual exams from the front row. Girl, cover your lady parts. This performance was almost Sanjaya bad. Could this be the week when we're finally Haley-free?

Phil -- "Every Breath You Take" A hat! That makes me so happy. I'm much less freaked out by his whole deal when a hat hides half his head. Good call on tucking those ears in the hat. Phil's performance was really, really good. It was a total Police knock-off, but at least it was good. You did the stalker song proud, Phil. Now go pick out your hat for next week. Please.

Melinda -- "Heaven Knows" Good, as usual. Not much to say. It didn't blow me away or anything, but it was good. It was, perhaps, the worst outfit choice ever for a woman with no neck. Do yourself a favor, take a good look tonight during the results when they play back the summary. She's a Weeble!

BeatBoxBlake -- "Love Song" I was so excited when I saw he was going to sing this song. I love this song. It took me about six measures to remember that 311 did a crap-ass cover. *sigh* BBB needs to step away from the 311. He's still a good performer, but he squandered a great song. There was no spark, no life in this performance. Even his hair was boring. He looked like Dana Carvey!

Jordin -- "Hey Baby" There's no song in this song. See, this is from the suck-ass portion of Gwen's career. Jordin hops around and tries to look busy while the back-up singers do all the work. Not really feeling her 4-H project skirt, either. Surely Gwen was influenced by Blondie. Wouldn't you have rather seen Jordin sing "Rapture?"

Chrisberlake -- "Don't Speak" Here are my notes, verbatim: "blech, indulgent, forgettable, R&B mess." This is a wonderful song (one of my husband's top three ever, which surprised the shit out of me when he told me). Chrisberlake massacred it. He just didn't understand it, I think. It's a song about being sad, not being a player. SUCKED.

So that's it. A terrible night of "singing" and a reminder that sometimes things you love (No Doubt) turn into things you can't stand (Gwen Stefani). Let's all thank Sanjaya for at least entertaining us in this hour.

Best? Gina (I know, I can't believe it either)
Worst? Sanjaya
Going home? Haley (you can't have voted for her after that!)

AI Last Night -- 3/21/07

2007-03-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't even watched the show yet. Things are kind of crazy here. Hopefully I'll get to watch it tomorrow. I promise to recap as soon as I can.

If you want it faster please come and keep the boy busy for a few hours. 'Kay?

American Idol 3/13/07, The secret word is "BORING"

2007-03-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is taking me forever. Part of it is I'm sick (thanks to the boy for giving it to me!), part of it is a long string of interruptions, most of it is the show was so uninspiring I don't even want to start.

No, I didn't even watch the results last week. It's on my DVR so it might still happen (probably not). I'm still a little surprised VoteForTheWorst wasn't successful, but sometimes that's how it goes. I'm sad Sabrina is gone. She was awesome.

Diana Ross. Legend. Sweet ol' grandma? Guess so. Granny Di is this week's "mentor." In my opinion, mentors spend more than twenty minutes with their charges, but there you go.

Brandon-- "You Can't Hurry Love" Poor Brandon got totally lost in the band. He was boring and bland. It was bad. I have to believe it was nerves because he's much better than this. The song's pretty boring to start with. Brandon's at risk, for sure.

Melinda -- "Home" Simon wants Ryan to come out of the closet. Don't we all? I love The Wiz. It's such a trippy movie. I don't remember this song at all. Probably because it's BORING. At least Melinda made it interesting. I laughed when Granny Di said she got goosebumps. The joke was on me when I got them myself. Melinda is the one to beat people.

AnnieChris -- "Endless Love" Granny Di tells AnnieChris he has to sing the actual song. He doesn't. It's bad. I give him points for trying to fix this awful song. I'd give him more points if it were any good. I agree with Randy -- it was a Coldplay version. This is the first week AnnieChris seemed like more of a witless smartass than a clever fellow. I believe this is a trend that will continue. Yes, I think I'm losing my AnnieChris love.

Gina -- "Love Child" No matter how you "pronounciate" this song it's still weird. "You're second best, never meant to be, I still love you . . . kinda." Sorry Paula, it's not a feel-good song. Gina the poser posers herself through the song. I guess she's got a good voice. She's just a poser. Boring.

Sanjaya -- "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" Granny Di wants to bake little Sanjaya cookies. Fine, whatever it takes to keep his mouth from singing. Sanjaya finally gets a song I don't hate and he murderizes it. He can barely sing and he even manages to be boring while being hilariously bad. How does he do this? I will not comment on the hair. The hair is just acting out for attention so, just like with a small, recalcitrant child, I am ignoring its cries. You want to know what the definition of dumb is? It's Sanjaya telling Simon "I don't understand your insult, please repeat and explain." DUMB. Do I have to say Simon was more than willing to oblige?

Haley -- "Missing You" Again, why is Haley here? Even Granny Di said she's terrible on stage. Haley wears the ugliest dress of the season, possibly of all Idol past. It's some sort of navy (sexy!) negligee with a weird ribbon tying her thighs together. It's like the most frustrating wedding night ever. Haley still sounds like broke-down Shania. Yay. God that dress is ugly.

Phil -- "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me" No you're not, you crazy alien freak. Phil screams for a hundred years and looks all scary like the monsters in The Descent and then he's done. Then he kisses the judges' asses for another hundred years and we're moving on. Note to Phil: gain some weight or grab a hat.

LaKisha -- "God Bless the Child" Snore. Technically it was great and LaKisha rocks the cleavage wedding dress, but it's just kind of flat. I don't know. It's like the "good singer vending machine." Put your money in and out comes a good song, hermetically sealed and pasteurized for your protection. She seems like a really nice girl though. Just. Boring.

BeatBoxBlake -- "You Keep Me Hanging On" BBB tries to prove he's cool by listing a bunch of band no one's ever heard of (and may not exist because I'm not wasting my time to look them up). Then he says "MJ" is the greatest ever. Yeah, no. You know who's awesome? Erasure! This song totally sounded like an Erasure cover. Ryan probably LOVED it, heh. Me? I thought it was fan-fucking-tastic. I'd buy an album with that song on it, and I can't remember the last time I said that about any performance on Idol. Good job BBB. This was the highlight of the night, hands-down. Gold star, you cute little thing.

Stephanie -- "Love Hangover" The most interesting part about this was seeing what happened when the Yellow Submarine blew its transmission all over Stephanie's dress. What was going on there? Since Beyonce already exists and is a fairly successful recording star, why is Stephanie on Idol? Do we need two Beyonces? Do we even need one? You know Stephanie's in trouble when the judges tell her she left out the "good" part of the song. I'll say. I wonder if anyone will remember Stephanie enough to vote for her.

Chrisberlake -- "The Boss" Chrisberlake aimed for JT and hit Elliott Yamin squarely in the face. The song was okay, not great. It sounded flat to me but I'm so stuffed up with this cold I can't be trusted. It was boring. In case you haven't guessed, "Boring" is the theme of the night. Chrisberlake's at risk.

Jordin -- "If We Hold On Together" Enough with the cartoon songs. Age-appropriate can mean something other than the G movie section. Jordin sings this saccharine-sweet song with her pretty face and does a fine, if unmemorable job. She's very, very good but I don't remember a single thing about her performance other than her glowing smile. That's probably enough for some votes so she should be safe.

So that's it. It's late and you east-coasters are already watching the results. Let's see how I do:

Best: BeatBoxBlake does Erasure!
Worst: Sanjaya and the hair of not to be mentioned!
Going home: Stephanie (I've stopped guessing Haley since you people keep voting for her, stop it!)

American Idol Girls 3/7/07 -- Better but still boring

2007-03-08T11:10:00.000-08:00

Girls singing. Better than the boys, but still pretty snore-riffic. Thank goodness Antonella and Haley did SOMETHING to wake me up. It wasn't something good, but it worked.

Ryan looked like the gayest beatnik ever. What was up with that turtleneck?

So, what do you think the big announcement is? Now I think it's going to be So You Think You Can Act! Wouldn't that be boring? Gosh, it'd be worse than that next soap star thing on the Soap Network. Wait, that show was brilliant. Hmmm. . . .

We're still doing "secrets" and the girls aren't much better at it than the boys. Let's get started.

Jordin -- "Heartbreaker" Jordin wanted to play football. Normally I'd call bullshit but in her video piece she actually looked like she could have done it. Go her. Her singing was great, as usual. She aged it up a bit with this song but didn't sound inappropriate. It was delightful. I think this was the first time I was struck by how gorgeous she is. Lucky girl.

Sabrina -- "Don't Let Go" Sabrina wanted to be a reporter. I think the real secret is she is married. See, I'm a super sleuth. She had a different last name in high school and I used my keen observational skills to see the wedding ring on her finger. Check me out. I don't know why, but I think I would have really enjoyed Sabrina's wedding. Sabrina sings really well. It was superb. I did not think it was robotic, not at all. Simon was totally wrong. Simon says "no personality" but means "no annoying quirky backstory." Please don't leave Sabrina!

Antonella -- "Put Your Records On" Violin. Antonella's big secret is she can play the violin. Yeah, I think we've seen plenty of Antonella's real secrets. If you ever take a picture of me on the toilet I will cut you, FYI. This week will be a real test of VoteForTheWorst's powers. If Antonella stays VFTW will be able to claim a clear victory. She was Scott Savol bad. Terrible terrible awful horrible. She claims she has a "different style" from the other girls. Yeah she does, her style is "being really bad at singing." Okay, maybe Hayley has the same style. Antonella also doesn't want to be compared to the other singers. No comparing. You'd only compare if it were some sort of competition where people decide who they like best and have some way of communicating that to the producers. Totally unrelated.

Haley -- "If My Heart Had Wings" Did you know a gymnast's body could give out at age 15? Damn, that's harsh. I was still all soft and new at 15. I'm still soft at 30, not so much new. Quick question, who keeps voting for Haley? I know someone does because she's still here, but why? What about her makes people pick up the phone? She's a Shania wannabe, and the real Shania is bad enough. Bye bye Haley!

Stephanie -- "Sweet Thing" Stephanie was shy but she's not anymore. Scintillating! Did you know that I'm still shy? Crazy! Stephanie was distracting because I kept thinking I was watching Fantasia. She was pretty good, but I have to say the Fantasia thing was really annoying. The whole thing was pretty forgettable. She was good, but not fantastic. All memory of her was likely wiped out by the next three performances.

LaKisha -- "I Have Nothing" Afraid of animals? All animals? Really? I wonder if she's Maury Show afraid of animals. That would be awesome. I love the shows when they have the people afraid of dumb things on. Oh no! A paper clip! Aiiii-yeeeeee! Outstanding. LaKisha sings well with her sparkly, sparkly shoes and long, long nails. Too bad I had this song. I really hate this song. I hate most everything Whitney has done, but nothing more than The Bodyguard and everything associated with it. That movie combines two things I hate with a burning passion: Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner. *shiver*

Gina -- "Call Me When You're Sober" She said "clenched the pickle." I'm so juvenile. Since Simon is king, Gina dressed "alternative" this week and sang an "alternative" song. I have to say, it was pretty darned good. She had energy and everything. I still think she's a big poser, but at least she was interesting this week. This may have saved her, even though last week I thought there was no way she'd make it to the top 12.

Melinda -- "I'm a Woman" Honey, you're not quirky, you have OCD. Own it, and then wash it seven times while whispering the Lord's Prayer. Do what you gotta do. Once again Melinda is the best of the night (week). This girl can sing. Since I've read she has no neck I'm sorry to admit that I've become distracted by her necklessness whenever she performs. It has no bearing on anything, but she really doesn't have any neck. Weird!

So there we go. Better than the boys but still not thrilling. Maybe I just don't get thrilled by this show. It's entirely possible. Once again, thank goodness for Antonella and Haley who keep things interesting (bad). Next week only one night of singing! Yay!

Best? Melinda, neck or no neck
Worst? Antonella
Going home? Haley and Stephanie (VFTW is powerful!)

American Idol Boys 3/6/07 -- Only one hour!

2007-03-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

Sorry I didn't get anything up about the results show. The boy has as a cold, and now the husband has it too. If any of you have magic techniques for wiping snot off a toddler's face without sending him off the rails leave me a note in the comments. So far the snot wiping has been, uh, dramatic.

So here are my quick thoughts on the results last week:

Group sings still suck, especially with weird bullfrog hippie songs
Nick was out because he wasn't pretty enough; he reminds me of my engineering school comrades
The Dixie Chicks killed Alaina
Slut Pumps! Man, she's looking rough. Her "I r sew dum" shtick is still old and tired. I can't comment on her song, it was bad so I zipped through it. I love DVR's.
AJ needs to be placed in a boy band, STAT. He sang great and the boy sang and danced along with him
Leslie sucks. Bye bye!

Okay, now to the present. Or to the more recent past. Whatever.

Thursday is going to bring some big Idol announcement. I think they're revoking Taylor's win and giving it to Chris Daughtry. Kat can't have it because of the whole "getting felt up by Tyra" deal.

Now, to the "singing":

BeatBoxBlake -- "All Mixed Up" BeatBoxBlake, please don't do that Jimmy Walker Blue shit anymore. Not everyone can be talented at everything. The song was great and the performance enjoyable. Gosh, it reminds me of my freshman year in college. I think this song was on twice an hour on KROQ back then. It's still on at least twice a day it seems. Yes, this means I call bullshit on Randy and Paula never having heard the song. There is just no way. That song was everywhere. If some dumb engineering student who barely got out of the lab to get some soggy cereal from the dining hall knew the song, two people in the music business couldn't possibly have missed it. Well, they could have if they're two of the most out of touch, mentally questionable people in the business. Wait. Nevermind.

Sanjaya -- "Waiting on the World to Change" Sanjaya's secret is he does an overly precious, terrible hula. Raise your hand if you're surprised. You know you're in trouble when the most interesting thing about the performance was the bad blow out on the singer's head. The hair was as floppy as the singing. It was not as bad as last week (the singing not the hair, hair was better last week), but that's a small victory. I think he'll be around for the top 12, but it will be closer than the last two weeks. Oh, and was that a farting phoenix on his shirt?

Sundance -- "Jeremy" Sundance went for "self-deprecating" with his fat joke but landed squarely on self-hating fatty. Dude, just be. There are bigger things to worry about. Hehe, "bigger." So, the singing was awful. It was a really weak copy. The song is awesome, but if you're going to try to sell a child suicide song on this show you'd better blow it out. At least Sundance got the Eddie Vedder eyeliner. Simon said it was a bad song, but Simon just doesn't know the song. If he did he'd be better able to identify the problems (bad singing).

Chrisberlake -- "Tonight I Wanna Cry" Chrisberlake used to be fat (but an athlete getting regular exercise and of a high enough caliber to play in college) and now he's not. Apparently he's a better person now that he's skinny. Except for before he was big and strong and in great shape anyway. Whatever. Ryan wants diet tips. Sigh. This is some sort of country song, right? Yeah, it sounds like it. Snore. I guess the country thing explains why it was so nasal. I think he's safe, but I didn't like it.

Jared -- "If You Really Love Me" Jared's secret is he used to be a baller. Thrilling. Although I should be happy, we learned a little too much about Jared's life during the dedications last week. *shiver* The song starts out okay but then I fell asleep. I think only John Krasinski types can pull off argyle sweaters. Mmmmm, John Krasinski. Jared isn't nearly as cute as he thinks he is, though he's quite pretty. When Paula tells you your song sucks you know it was pretty bad.

Brandon -- "I Just Want to Celebrate" Brandon plays piano really, really well. See? That was actually interesting. It's still not a secret though. Playing piano in a brothel? Now THAT's a secret. The song was great and Brandon did well. It was a bit forgettable (agree with Simon) but, compared to everyone else, very good. The lyrics kind of give it a sing-off vibe so Brandon could have just doomed himself.

Phil -- "I Need You" Phil wasn't always bald. Then he cut it "for a group" and kept it "because he liked it." No. Phil shaved his head because he is balding. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you lie about it I'm going to notice. It's what I do. Phil sings this crappy song like he's got the boy's cold. Super bad. Randy compares him to Steve Perry of Journey. Now that's funny. And not a compliment (however it was intended). Phil gets the first asshat award of the season. That's some bad hat Harry. Or Phil, whatever.

AnnieChris -- "Wanna be Loved" Or something. I don't know. Chris used to have short hair and then he allowed time to pass and it got long. Shocking! Could these "secrets" be any more lame? It's really too bad AnnieChris has made ugly hair his gimmick because he's stuck with it for all time. If he cuts it everyone's just going to want to talk about it. Dumb! But at least it's given me his nickname. The singing was good and it rocked and AnnieChris is going to be around for a while. Second best of the night, for sure.

So that's it. Finally. Please send a quick thanks out to Thomas and all the Teletubbies (especially the gay one, he's awesome). Without their help I'd have never gotten this done. Stay tuned for the girls and more "secrets." I think at least one of them is going to reveal that they were shorter when they were children and another will let the cat out of the bag about the whole "sun rises in the east" deal. Exciting!

Best? BeatBoxBlake
Worst? Sundance (closely followed by Sundance's eyeliner)
Going home? Jared and either Brandon or Phil

American Idol Girls 2/28/07 -- So very tired

2007-03-01T08:56:00.000-08:00

So, to all who have asked about my ass. Rejoice for it is fine. Several liberal applications of a homeopathic burn gel and frequent doses of a homeopathic remedy recommended to me for burns (I, uh, seem to burn myself a lot) have returned my ass to its former state. Would you like to slap it?

Let's just get into this, something about the girls' performances left me in a sort of angry mood. Can we vote off more than four people this week? Man, it's going to hurt when we get to the top twelve and we can only bump one a week.

More dedications of questionable song choice!

Gina (Boyfriend) -- "Alone" Hey boyfriend, your girlfriend dedicated this song to you. Just thought I might point that out so you can go have a think about your relationship. Gina praises her boyfriend for dyeing his hair like hers and calls him a "punk rocker wannabe." I couldn't have said it better about both of you, Gina. We need to call Stacy and Clinton and ask if it's proper to match your poser hair stripes to your sausage dress. Gina sounded okay, pretty much just like the original. Which means she sucked. I can't be the only person in America who hates this song? Can I? The good news is Simon called her a poser too.

Alaina (Mom) -- "Not Ready to Make Nice" Hear that Mom? Alaina is pissed at you for boycotting her for making a joke about Bush. I hope you've learned your lesson. Being a verified lefty hippie (see: homeopathics for my ass), I have to like the Dixie Chicks. Being a fairly reasonable person (unverified, still up for debate) I have to say that this was a terrible song choice. When you suck as bad as Alaina does you don't want to alienate ANY potential voters. There is a large portion of this country who believe the Dixie Chicks belong at Guantanamo, so singing one of their songs is fucking stupid. Singing it poorly? An even bigger crime. Blame it on the mixing if you must, but her voice just faded away and was muddy. Her arm movements were laughable. They were pure Renee Zellwegger at the end of Empire Records.

LaKisha (Awesome Grandma) -- "Midnight Train to Georgia" Gosh, this is a good song. LaKisha built the intensity in the song much better this week and the whole performance was much more enjoyable. Good job! Not much else to say. Except that shirt is orange. It really, really is.

Melinda (Her "Gails," sigh) -- "My Funny Valentine" I'm not sure what strategy Melinda is going for when she says her two best friends in the whole wide world are her paid employees -- and that she is incapable of dressing herself. Should we call this the "Paris Hilton" strategy? Melinda is saved by a totally awesome performance. Fantastic! I loved every second of it. She looked genuinely happy to receive praise but I'm kind of wondering how she'll take the inevitable criticism. Will she fall apart?

Antonella (Brother) -- "Because you Loved Me" The blowjob pictures floating around are fake. What's not fake? How terrible this was. It's good that she didn't dedicate this to her horrible best friend and her brother seems nice enough. I bet he hates the shit his sister sings. He HAS to hate how she sings it. Awful! I'm going to put on my my Simon for a second: it sounded like a high school pep rally where the head cheerleader gets to get up and sing -- not because she's good, but because she's head cheerleader and she think she runs the school. Antonella tries to dish it to Simon like Chris did last week. Yeah, she's not clever. She just comes across as a petulant spoiled brat.

Jordin (Brother) -- "Reflection" Her dedication was really sweet. Her filial love blows Antonella's filial love right out of the water. This song was age-appropriate again and pretty nice. She's a great performer. I enjoyed listening to it and it didn't piss me off. That's a good thing. Her parents are gorgeous.

Stephanie (Mom & Dad) -- "Dangerously in Love" Beyonce sucks. SUCKS. I missed the boat totally on the Beyonce love. Case in point: this song. It's a hot mess. This crazy-ass syncopated song makes my brain and ears sad. It should never be performed anywhere, ever. Stephanie was not able to save it. It was awful. Even her slutty wedding dress was not enough to distract me for how truly bad this song is. I think she'll be safe, but this performance is going to make her flirt with eviction.

Leslie (Dead Grandpa) -- "Feeling Good" Is this really the same song AJ sang last night? She was way more mannish than AJ. Her singing was throaty and muddled. Also: the leggings. HATE. Why are people wearing leggings? Why? Leslie needs to realize there's a fine line between spunky and arrogant. She's danced all over that line. I don't know what the magic ingredients of a good scat are but I DO know they weren't there. There's a good reason it's called "scat" -- when it's bad it's total shit.

Haley (Fiance) -- "Queen of the Night" Is this song about a stripper? It's about a stripper, isn't it? Well, there you go Mr. Fiance Guy. Your weird lady dedicated this song to you. Haley did make one comment that perked my ears right up. She said her fiance is "not so good with my being away." Did that make anyone else go all Afterschool Special right there? Either way, I have to admit that I just don't like her voice. She's a yelling Shania wannabe. I'm sure I've mentioned my feelings about Shania before. Haley was better than last week. Hard to be much worse.

Sabrina (Grandma) -- "All the Man I Need" Another weird dedication, but at least it's not inappropriate. I don't like this codependent song, not at all. It's nicely sung, if a bit yell-y. Simon said she was shouting, which is probably a better critique because it uses an actual word that exists, not the made up "yell-y" that I tend to prefer. Sabrina is very good and is going to stick around to be shockingly eliminated in a VoteForTheWorst victory somewhere around top 7.

So there you go. Nothing really spectacular and whole lot of annoying. If you watched the dumb 5th grader show I hope you came to the same conclusion I did: it's the slowest, most boring game show ever. SNORE! Plus, thanks a lot for putting the most arrogant ten-year-olds in Los Angeles on television. The last thing those brats need is an ego boost.

Best? Melinda
Worst? Antonella
Going home? Alaina & Haley

American Idol Boys 2/27/07: forgive me if I doze off

2007-02-28T10:54:00.001-08:00

In the interest of fairness, let me tell you that I may be unnecessarily grumpy about this particular episode. Before Phil even finished singing I burned my ass with hot chocolate. Yes, that's right. Burned my ass with hot chocolate. I had to stop everything and clean up a huge mess, and, you know, that doesn't leave me in a super wonderful mood. Fucking hot chocolate.

Ryan congratulates Jennifer Hudson for "Idol's first Oscar." Like there are so many more coming. Heck, give ol' Taylor Hicks an Oscar for acting like such a fool. He's really good at it.

Jeff Foxworthy is in the audience sitting with a bunch of teenage girls. I feel like I need to give Chris Hansen a call and have him bring his hidden cameras. *shiver*

Oh, and Jeff: You might be a redneck if you don't realize Fox is calling you stooopid by having you host that show.

And oh yeah, you'd better believe I recorded it. Schaudenfraude is awesome. (trapezoids have FOUR sides, dumbasses)

Tonight we're doing dedications. Fun! Let's see how squicky this can get!

Phil (some military band I don't really understand) -- "Missing You" I might join the military if I could end up singing concerts. That's so much better than getting shot at. It's even better than killing people! Rock on, Phil. Phil was okay. He sounded muddy to me, even before the hot chocolate. I still like the guy, even though I didn't understand his shirt. Trust me, it was strange. Google a picture, my ass hurts too much to describe it.

Jared (Mom & Dad) -- "Let's Get it On" Oh, yuck. Gross. This is not the song to dedicate to your parents. It might have been saved if he had done the whole "thanks for having sex so I could exist" angle, but it still would have been weird. I think pretty boy lost me right here. Don't dedicate this song to your parents and THEN tell me you still live with them. There are thoughts in my head I might never get rid of. Thanks. Oh, Jared sounded fine but looked like a tool, if you still care after the grossness.

AJ (Mom & Dad) -- "Feeling Good" I didn't really recognize this song, but it sounded like a chick song. AJ was nearly very good, just like Simon said. There was something about this song, though. I kept expecting him to start stripping or something. AJ is likable but forgettable. There is a reason people like Fucking Taylor Hicks stay around in the competition, they're really hard to forget. Really.hard.to.forget.

Sanjaya (Dead Grandpa) -- "Steppin' Out With My Baby" Great song. Terrible performance. Horrible! Sanjaya looked like post-op Michael Jackson (not a compliment) and sang like he was in junior high drama class. He kept looking around like he was reading the lyrics off cue cards. Either that or he was afraid the ghost of his grandpa was going to come and smack him around a while. Sanjaya took the judges' criticism really hard, he just doesn't look like he has the mettle to make it through the competition. I think there's a distinct possibility he will be VoteForTheWorst's newest golden boy.

Chris Sligh (Hot Wife) -- "Trouble" Chris is totally my favorite. I thought his performance was beautiful and fantastic. I loved it. It seemed like a decent song to dedicate to the wife. She sure looked like he earned himself a night of hot, Christian sex after that. Note to Hot Wife: lay off the eyebrow plucking. Eyebrows are your friends (says the woman who hasn't plucked hers since the boy was born).

Nick (Girlfriend) -- "Fever" They've been dating for a "long" time? I bet they have the marriage talk all the time. The song was fine, a little blah. I love the baseline, I don't think I've gotten into my bass love yet this season, have I? This one? This one is good. See how I'm avoiding talking about Nick's performance? That's because it was b.o.r.i.n.g. Nick's girlfriend was probably thinking, "You might have gotten a few more votes if you had proposed to me on television."

BeatBoxBlake (Mom & Dad) -- "Virtual Insanity" Who doesn't love this song? I love the crazy-ass video with the treadmills. BBB did great. He capitalized on this totally likable song. The beat boxing was fine, not too much. It wasn't the most wonderful vocal performance ever but that doesn't matter since this isn't a singing contest. The judging was totally scripted. Randy & Paula: It was WONDERFUL! Simon:[fishing for BBB votes by pretending not to like it] Shame on you guys. People might get the impression this show isn't serious or something.

Brandon (Dead Grandma) -- "Time After Time" See, here's someone who took a totally likable song and didn't capitalize. Brandon was shaky and thin. Just bad. He's a good singer, this was not good. He also got all defensive: "It didn't have to be good, I was dedicating it to my dead grandma. Do you hate my dead grandma?" No, Brandon, we just hated the way you sang. Your grandma would have appreciated a, oh I don't know, a good performance. Simon cracked me up with the whole "My mom's birthday is in November, I like puppies" deal. Cracked.me.up.

Chrisberlake (Live Grandma! It's about time!) -- "Geek in the Pink" Jason Mraz is a local boy so I pretty much have to like this song. Note: this does not work with Blink 182 songs. Chrisberlake was pretty good. It was pretty much what you'd expect: Justin Timberlake singing Jason Mraz. Chrisberlake was much more enjoyable than last week. Hey, wasn't Brandon the geek in the pink in that pink shirt?

Sundance (Barely Born, Itty-Bitty Newborn Son) -- "Mustang Sally" Do I have to tell you this was bad? Do I? I know the judges loved it, but they're full of shit (see: BeatBoxBlake). This was bad, but it was about as bad as Taylor was so take that however you want. Sundance is safe, he'll be back and back and back and back.

Now, an aside to Sundance (and all the other reality show contestants who pull this shit): I'm sick and tired of hearing you moan about how much you miss your kid while you're on a reality show. You chose to be away from your newborn son, nobody forced you. Do you know how many people would love to be with their kids? Have you ever stopped to think about all the active duty military personnel who can't see their kids for months or years at a time? No, you decided to indulge your inner famewhore and go on television rather than be there for your child. Your wife just had a baby, she needs you too. I know this shit makes people look more "real" and likable. Not to me. If you choose to leave your newborn for this shitty show your stock drops like a bomb for me. Shut it.

So there. Told you I was cranky. Girls are tonight. Watch out for that hot chocolate. It's dangerous stuff.

Best? Chris Sligh
Worst? Sanjaya
Going home? Nick and Brandon

American Idol Results, 2/22/07

2007-02-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

So, three out of four isn't bad. The results show sucks so I'm just going to give you a bulleted list of my random thoughts.

The guest stars look promising, if by promising you mean "potential for train wrecks." Gwen Stefani? Jennifer Lopez? Jon Bon Jovi? Good gracious. Those are going to be some bad weeks. Note to the internet: Noone is NOT the same as no one. Geez. (Disclaimer: I like(d) Gwen Stefani, I like No Doubt, but a great singing talent with a rich catalog Gwen is not).

Group Sing: Bleh, I hate these. Twenty-four people is more than a kid's church choir, and we all know how those sound. I love Tears for Fears, I especially love this song, their Beatles throwback sperm song. The boys continued to suck. Big surprise. The only one who was tolerable was AfroChris. I'm curious why the "SOOOO MUCH BETTER!!!" girls were edged out of the song. Only a few got to sing anything, and all of them sang "Anything is possible." Whatever. Sewing the seeds of snore.

Chris "apologizes" to Simon. It was so sincere, wasn't it? "I don't take back anything I said. I love Simon." Whatever, dude. If it helps you get more votes then more power to you.

Paul is out. The judges said he'd be good for radio. Yeah, because you can't see his feet on radio. His sing-out was even worse than his singing on Tuesday. Yikes! Were those his brothers in the loft? They were HOT! I would have voted for him if I knew I'd get to see more of them.

When Ryan talked to LaKisha I was expecting her to be like Mandisa: big personality, lots of flashy charm. It was a pleasant surprise to see her be quiet, humble, and sweet. But aren't all fat girls loud and pushy? You mean some of us are regular ol' people? Amazing!

Dismissing the whole line of girls and then bringing up Amy alone for the axe? Brilliant! So mean. Bonus points for fucking with Antonella. Well-played. Adios to Amy and her lank, mousy hair. Ten bucks says I have no memory of her by lunch tomorrow.

Will someone please explain Fantasia to me? I don't get it. What, exactly, is so great about her squeaky Minnie Mouse voice? I'll give her props for her version of "Summertime," but that's about it. Doesn't a The Color Purple musical sound kind of depressing? I found the web page and the picture made me laugh. It's the musical about love! And incest! And spousal abuse! Maybe I'm just jaded because my "Feminist Novels of the 20th Century" literature class at the women's college was chockablock with really, terribly, truly depressing novels. *shiver*

Nicole is gone. Snore. See you later ugly face maker.

Rudy is out and gets the Simon smack down. Why didn't anyone tell me Rudy was smoking hot with a (mostly) shaved head? Dang! Hair does this boy no favors.

Why do people get so hot and bothered over falsetto singing? Am I missing something? It's just a guy singing high. Is there an equivalent fervor for a girl singing really low? ??

Chris Daughtry is going to have a hit single that we're all going to hate by mid-April. How much fun did he have singing a song that he (probably) knew would be the last thing 22 contestants would hear? I'd be so tempted to slip in a "you suck and America hates you" here and there.

The O.C. was still on? Go figure.

So that's it. Five freakin' hours. And we get to do it all again next week! Woooo.

American Idol -- The girls sucked less? 2/21/07

2007-02-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

Alright, so it's over. Hours three and four are behind us. It wasn't as bad overall as the boys' night, but it still had its moments.

Oh, and for those of you who still hold on to the idea that this is a "talent" "competition" to find the "best" "singer" I present this: Vote for the Worst's Idol Audition Summary. Yeah, sounds about right.

Okay, girls.

Stephanie -- "How Come You Don't Call Me?" Not bad. Not bad at all. She was pretty good. I'm afraid Simon's given her the kiss of death with the whole "30's/40's Jazz Singer" label. I expect we'll see this tired routine: "Step out of your box! No! Get back in your box!" Regardless, Stephanie has some mighty fine cleavage. Boobs!

[An aside: my local news had a promo here for a weird story - "Prostitutes: aged-out and on their own." Wait, how am I supposed to react? Do I want pimps to keep older prostitutes? Is this an age discrimination case? How about this headline instead: "Prostitutes: women in trouble who need our help and the pimps who destroy them"? Too crazy?]

Amy -- "I Can't Make You Love Me" Ugh, awful. Totally Celine Dion-ish (not a compliment). You know how they always go on about not taking on a "Stevie" song? Well the same is true of a Bonnie song. Either get it right or leave it alone. I laughed when the judges said she's better than the song. No. The song is awesome, she just doesn't understand it. Tinny and forgettable. I'm afraid Amy won't be around long enough for me to come up with a good Krebs cycle joke.

Leslie -- "Natural Woman" The soul-crushing Hollywood week gave her a boost of confidence? Yeah, something makes me think Leslie's not exactly the type who needed a boost of confidence, if you get my drift. The singing was okay, I guess. I just couldn't get past the fact that I was watching Constantine 2.0 in a potato sack dress. Yay.

Sabrina -- "I Never Loved a Man the Way I Loved You" That's one long-ass song title. Sabrina was good, but one would expect that from a professional singer, right? Like, it's not too much to expect someone to be capable of doing their job. Her crowing about a standing ovation from Paula was a bit much, Paula gives a standing ovation to the little green guy on the crossing signal. The boy danced around and clapped, that probably means more in the grand scheme of things. Or maybe it just means I let him have more of my toast.

Antonella -- "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" Yay! She was awful! It was very satisfying. I totally got a My Super Sweet 16 vibe from her, even more so after I saw her cute parents. Antonella sounded like a goat doing a bad Jessica Simpson impression. It was beautiful how she sang a ballad right after Sabrina said a ballad would be the kiss of death at this point. Priceless! Her question at the end "What can I do better?" is easily answered: sing (and stop annoying me). Oh, and stop picking self-indulgent, terrible-awful songs. Yeeech.

Jordin -- "Give Me One Reason" Best of the night, hands-down. Jordin was amazing. The song choice was fantastic, very appropriate for a teenager singing about teen love. Her voice was wonderful and she did a great job of building the song instead of shrieking from the beginning (I'm looking at you, LaKisha). This is the only song the boy sang along with. He has mad Jordin love. So do I.

Nicole -- "Stay" Did Nicole learn those ugly singing faces in voice major college? Do they have a whole class on how to sing really, really hard so people know you really, really mean it? She sounded flat and she was all over the place. Maybe she goes to voice major correspondence college. Simon said it was: indulgent, aggressive, unnatural, fake. Right on, Simon. Right on.

Haley -- "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" Here are my notes, verbatim: "Ugh. Bad. Warble warble. Horrible, awful, terrible. Not a single note sung straight." Just, no. No. Haley counters the "Cabarat" criticism by wearing a bustier? No. I know many will disagree with me but I thought that was B.A.D.

Melinda -- "Since You've Been Gone" People are actually named "Doolittle?" Really? Well, go figure. Melinda was really good. Really, really good. Energetic and a total professional. She had greater ease and comfort than Sabrina, and was much more fun to watch. I'm kind of wondering if this backup thing is a red herring. She rocked.

Alaina -- "Brass in Pocket" Heck, even I can sing this song. Alaina was breathy and thin -- and boring. She said she's finally doing what she always wanted to do. Really? Then why in the world was she working in a pizzeria in Redlands at the age of 24? Redlands is a beautiful city, but it's not exactly the center of the professional singing world. No, what she's always wanted to be is famous, and Idol is Mecca for famewhores. Well, Alaina, I believe your fifteen minutes of "what you've always wanted to do" is about up.

On a related note, I'd sure like some pizza.

Gina -- "All By Myself" Gina started BAD and got all yell-y. Yelling! It's just like singing! I think Gina's deal is she's a faux alternative. The dumb songs I saw her singing here and during the auditions don't go with her TOTALLY REBELLIOUS!! hair and clothes. Lame. If you're a bubbly pop girl then dress like a bubbly pop girl. It'd be better for your hair anyway. Can I just say something about this stupid song? "All by MYYYYYYYSELF! Don't wanna be all by MYYYYYYSELF!" Dude, get a a dog. Seriously.

LaKisha -- "And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going" Now this song just smacks you in the face, doesn't it? BIG! She sang it BIG! I'm not sure I liked it, but it was BIG. I can see she's getting the Fantasia baby-mama arc. She seems like a nice enough person, just wish she wouldn't scream at me. We barely know each other. LaKisha, this is a special message from me to you: clear antiperspirant, it's pretty useful stuff. Hugs!

So that's it. It's over. It had higher highs and lower lows than the boys. Most of the skinny white girls are indistinguishable. Shame, skinny white girls can have personalities too (not so fast, Leslie).

Results are tonight. I'm giddy at the thought of dumping four people. FOUR! Wooo! I may or may not write anything tomorrow. Depends on if anything dumb happens. Okay, anything dumb that I also find funny.

Here's tonight's summary:

Best: Jordin.
Worst: Haley
Going home: Alaina & Amy

American Idol Boys, 2/20/07

2007-02-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

Oh boy, here we go again. As you know, I don't really watch the auditions so most of these people are new to me. I watched Hollywood week, but that's not enough to get to know people. It's enough to decide who I don't like (Antonella, I'm looking at you -- not kid- or work-friendly), but the whole John Waters vibe of Hollywood week is a thing unto itself.

After watching last night's show I'm wondering if any good singers showed up for the auditions this year. Surely there is some talent left out there. Wait, I'm remembering last year's winner. Nevermind.

Speaking of last year's winner, let's get started. First, everyone say hello to Taylor's big, sweaty double chin. So funny, they're stuck showing his annoying ugly mug for the rest of the life of the series. Priceless.

Ryan looks . . . strange. Is it just me or does he look like an extra from Maverick? Cowboy boots are a good choice, big heels on those. Moving on, I love Ryan and boring outfit choices aren't going to sway me.

Let's get to the "singing":

Rudy -- "Free Ride" Let's get this started with some serious nasal singing. Simon was right, totally forgettable. Does anyone get the feeling that Rudy is that guy in your high school History class that you kept thinking you might crush on but never got around to it and at your reunion you hear he came out and is now living in northern California? Rudy's totally that guy.

Brandon -- "Rock With You" Snore. He's sure got a Joker smile. That freaks me out. He seemed nasal again. Poor guy is never going to live down the backup singer thing. I found it interesting how hard Simon was trying to save him. Well, maybe not. He seems like an okay singer and there are some truly horrible, but charismatic singers coming.

Sundance -- "Nights in White Satin" Lord. From his audition clip Sundance seemed pretty good. This was not good. I'm talking about more than just the unfortunate facial hair, although that's nearly enough to make me hate him on sight. The singing, the singing was bad. The song sounded like a reject from a John Hughes movie soundtrack. This guy, though, this guy has Taylor Hicks potential. I think he'll be around for a while. Let's hope he stops sucking.

Paul "Put those Away" Kim -- "Careless Whisper" Did this guy really go barefoot all along? Really? I'm well-known for being a fan of being barefoot, but even I will concede that there is a time and a place for shoes. This is both the time and the place for shoes. Paul had the nerve to point to his feet during the song. Gross. Be barefoot if you must, but please let the rest of us pretend you are not. Oh, and I'm not buying that he's "25." If he is that's a ROUGH 25. Oh yeah, the singing. Bad. Breathy, warbly, and bad.

Shoeless Ryan, now that's cute. See, Ryan is awesome. And itty-bitty!

Chris Richardson -- "I'm a Wannabe," or whatever this dumb song is. Surely I've mentioned before that this song is ass. I must have, since it seems to be an Idol staple. I'm unwilling to search back, so let's just say I did. Remember when I said I didn't really watch the auditions? As soon as Chris came on screen I said "Dude! A Justin Timberlake face-eater!" Then I saw that I wasn't as original as I thought. Sigh. I felt bad that they didn't give him any cover-up makeup for his interview. As someone with terrible skin, I feel for one of my brothers who is on national television looking like he's got the pox. Chrisberlake sing-talks his way through and is bad. Everyone sucks!

Nick -- "Now and Forever" Nick's resemblance, however slight, to Boston Rob and John Edward is nearly enough to make me reject him totally. (Note to Boston Rob: people aren't intimidated of you on the Race, they're just sick of your smarmy famewhore face and your famewhore lollipop wife. Go away.) I actually liked Nick's singing. I know, it wasn't great, but something about it was not horrible to me. I was pleasantly surprised when Simon said the same thing. It wasn't wonderful, but I could stand to hear it again, unlike anything that came before.

BeatBoxBlake -- "Somewhere Only We Know" I'm keeping the name, even though he didn't beat box. I love alliteration. Are we sure this isn't Blake from So You Think You Can Dance? I liked BeatBoxBlake, he seemed good in a boy-band way. He wasn't spectacular but seems to have some potential. I'm probably just being nice because I thought his dad singing along was so cute.

Sanjaya -- "Knocks Me Off My Feet" The hair! Ack! I hate pretentious, "aren't I precious?" hair. I'm not too fond of Sanjaya either. That was just terrible. He'll get by on that non-threatening boy vote but "I don't want to bore you with this" indeed.

Chris Sligh -- [some song no one's heard of] Chris is awesome. Is this really his blog? Chris makes fun of everyone (Simon) and everything and still sings amazingly well. Well played! His singing had a distinct Collective Soul vibe and, for me, that's not a bad thing at all. He's a great performer and will definitely get the snarky jaded vote, well he would if us snarky jaded people actually voted. I never watched the Osbournes but Chris + Paula is close enough for me. Go Chris! I love your snarky, Jesus-loving, happily married ass! (I looked it up, his song was "Typical." Okay.)

Jared -- "Back at One" Jared is pretty. Corny arm motions but face it, it's a really corny song. He's really pretty. He did fairly well with an okay song. My word, the pretty. There were a few rough spots. Pretty! It may have been worse than I remember because I'm kind of thinking I was distracted by something. What was it? Oh yeah, the pretty. I may have to go watch again. . . .

AJ -- "Never too Much" Five times? Really? Yeah, he's not winning. When he started singing I thought I was going to hate it but, surprisingly, it wasn't half bad. Good job, Mr 5th Time's The Charm (but still going to lose). AJ's parents were adorable. They should tell him that if he wants a "thing" it shouldn't be polo shirts. That's just lame.

Phil -- "I Could Not Ask For More" First off, there is no way my husband would miss the birth of his child. Not for anything (not even a fishing trip). The wife seems okay with it, so I guess they worked it out. In my mind she snipes at him about it all the time. I'm petty like that. Anyway, back to "Return of Penis Head." I like Chris Daughtry (no, not "Daughtry," that's dumb) impersonators far better than Taylor Hicks impersonators. Phil was awful at the start but just fine once he got going. I think he and his beautiful blue eyes will make it to at least the top four. If it means anything the boy clapped at the end. He was pimping a Thomas video during the first performances.

Best of the night: Chris Sligh, by far. Just for the look on Simon's face.
Worst: Paul, the standout in a sea of bad.
Going home: Rudy and Paul.

Good God, the girls are next. I'm expecting a bloodbath.

Oh, and for some reason I keep mixing up Phil and Paul. This does not bode well for Phil.

Don't buy from these people, 'kay?

2007-02-11T11:34:00.001-08:00

Our camera broke two weeks ago so we (literally) gathered change and recyclables in the house to have enough money to buy another. We ordered one from this site: http://www.thedigitalexpo.com It said we had to call to confirm our order so we did.

Then the upsell started. They were trying to sell us a backup batter for $100(!) saying Canon's battery would only last an hour. Bullshit, Canon's battery is just fine, and backup batteries are available for under $30.

So, after a long time of turning down the sales pitches we finally got the order "confirmed." After a week of no contact we sent them an e-mail to ask about shipping. No response. The husband just called to find out what is going on.

"We cancelled your order after you called last week"

FUCKERBITCHES!

So, a warning to all. Do NOT order from http://www.thedigitalexpo.com They're assholes.

In celebration of Rocky, the best damn dog in the world

2007-02-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

Five years ago today Rocky arrived at our front door. We had our "home visit" with the retriever rescue five years ago this afternoon. After our home was deemed "fit for a dog" Rocky was brought in and started tearing around the house and yard. As soon as we met him we knew he was "Rocky" (not Deuce or Zeus or any of the other names we had considered). He knocked us over on his first sprint through the room. He was Rocky.

We passed the rescue volunteers the money ($250) and they passed us his papers. Then the three of us were left to figure each other out.

Rocky had never lived in a house (he was 2 1/2) so we had a hard time convincing him to come inside. Once we closed the back door he got a little anxious but a Kong full of peanut butter in his new crate helped seal the deal. He slept in that huge crate in our room that night and cried off and on. We comforted him as much as we could and hoped he would eventually understand that we were going to be a wonderful family.

He had never been housetrained so we got started on that right away. Within the first day he was waiting by the back door to be let out. Shortly after that we installed a cow bell (covered in peanut butter) next to the back door and he learned within a week that he could ring the bell to go out. He never had a single accident in the house, God bless him.

It took about six months for him to feel really comfortable here. I think he had moved around so much it was hard for him to trust a new family. The first couple weeks were really rough and I remember sitting on the floor, crying, worried that he would never be happy with us and that I'd never figure out how to manage all the details to take care of him.

Almost a year after he came to live with us we noticed that he had been favoring his right leg more and more. He had done it from the beginning, at least a little bit, but it got much worse. A few trips to a couple doctors and we were scheduled to get him a knee replacement (TPLO) at a veterinary surgery center. I wept when we dropped him off. The recovery was difficult; he did not like being confined to a small space in the house. Happily, he recovered faster and better than anyone could have imagined. I am pleased to say that he is not only good as new, he's better than new. The new knee is really working out for him and we are so glad we did the surgery.

Shortly before we learned that I was pregnant, Rocky started getting very protective of me. He would even sit on my feet with his head in my lap when there were actual tennis balls in the room. When the boy was born Rocky seemed to immediately recognize this little baby. He watched over him, often napping right next to the bed and coming to get me when the baby would wake.

Now that the boy is mobile, Rocky is a bit more wary of the little guy (especially those little fingers that keep poking him in the eyes), but he still clearly cares for him. I get tears in my eyes when I watch them playing ball together or when I see Rocky following the boy around the room picking up snacks the boy drops (or directly feeds him).

I can't even remember what life was like five years ago. I think back to being a kid and it feels like Rocky must have been there, there just isn't a time without him.

If you are even considering a dog I highly recommend going with a breed rescue. Not only are you keeping an animal from being needlessly killed, you have the opportunity to find the exact right dog for your family. Rocky wasn't the dog we applied for. After talking with the rescue and teaching them about our household, we were matched with Rocky. He is the perfect fit in our family.

This is where we got Rocky: http://retrieversandfriends.com/

Now I'm going to take my boys to the park. We have some celebrating to do.

Have you been peeking?

2007-01-29T13:40:00.000-08:00

So, I see some people have been clicking. Sorry to disappoint. You probably figured that since American Idol had started again I'd be blogging.

I hate the auditions.

Hate them.

There is no joy in audition-ville for Jess.

There are three types of people who show up for audtions: good singers, okay singers, and terrible singers. The okay ones don't get through to the "judges." The good ones don't get shown, except for a token few. The bad ones are either pathetic fame-whores or people who are, shall we say, not to be mocked because of various differences in brain chemistries and being-dropped-on-head status.

I refuse to feed the ego monster of the fame-whore. I refuse to laugh at people who just really needed someone to sit them down and tell them that singing is not their bag.

What does that leave for the audition shows? Laughing at Paula. Unfortunately her booze cruise of the television interview shows has meant the editors have started editing her out. You'd hardly know she was there, except for the occasional slurred comment or tipped cup of "water."

Sad.

Don't even get me started on complaints about Simon being soooooooooooo mean. Please. This is season six. We've all bought the conceit that he's the mean Brit, just as we accept that Paula is the tipsy "singer" and Randy is a, what?, shrinking dog? PS to Randy, Journey sucks.

No, anyone who auditions for the show either knows fully well who Simon is and the role he's supposed to play, or they have asshole friends and/or family members who not only didn't dissuade them from auditioning, but forgot to tell them the big, bad wolf would be there.

I do have one comment about the auditions. I laughed my ass off when I saw Taylor's gigantic ugly melon head among the "winners." Ladies and gentlemen, your "Idol." Can't say I didn't warn you.

If you want commentary on the AI auditions let me direct you to Television Without Pity. Me? I'll be here watching Baby Einstein. Like that's so much better. Sigh.

Anyone got a time machine?

2006-10-31T18:33:00.000-08:00

I could use a time machine to go back and prevent myself from being an idiot. I'd use it all the time, it'd be a great investment. Anybody with any leads? I've checked Craig's List and nothing so far. I found some bitchin' work from home prospects, though. And guitar teachers. Lots of guitar teachers on Craig's List.

So, until one of the three of you who look at this blog finds me a time machine, anyone who's been the victim of my being an idiot is just going to have to bear with me. Smack me around or something while we're waiting, 'kay?

I'm Cracking Up

2006-07-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

I logged in and took a look at my blog. What was the ad at the top? An ad for a hypnosis tape to end procrastination.

Ha!

Even the ads know I have a problem.

I'll be back when the epic (boring) baby blanket is done. If I do 2.5" a day I'll have it done by the shower on Sunday! Why do I do this to myself? Why?

Procrastination.

So You Think You Can Filler

2006-07-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, this pains me because I love So You Think You Can Dance. I hate to say anything negative. I just can't hold back.

Dear Awesome Dancing Show,

If you don't have two hours of show for us, don't take two hours of airtime. I am sick and tired of your audition footage. Stop showing it. We have finalists already, we don't care about seeing more people who sucked, especially since you guys already showed us the funny ones.

The first dancers didn't take the stage until 44 minutes after the hour. 44 minutes! On a show about a dancing competition! (Hey Fox, you could be showing Arrested Development during that wasted half hour.) You may be thinking "But American Idol does it!" Yes, American Idol does do it, and it still sucks. You know, really, do you even want to be like American Idol? Think about it.

Oh, and while we're being frank, Cat Deeley is fucking annoying. I realize you needed a new host, but you could have looked a little longer. She's a Go Fug Yourself post come to shrill, jittery life. You know, not all Americans are fooled by the English accent. Some of us realize that it doesn't automatically make someone classy or talented.

And ANOTHER thing, can someone help those poor kids pick an outfit for the opening dance-in? Unbelievable.

And the LAST thing, I hope you guys helped vote that arrogant, head case Jaymz off. What an ass.

Other than that, BFF Dancing Show!

Miss me?

2006-06-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

Ah, blog. Blog blog blog blog blog. How I've missed you! Do you forgive me?

{edited stuff I should have removed right away when I cooled down}

So what now? Tell you what. You tell me. I've had people make requests for me to discuss some of the summer television shows. Tell me in the comments which show you'd like me to do and I'll do it. Anything on cable is fair game.

Here are some that have been suggested, as a starting point:

Simon's new Gong show
Hell's Kitchen
So You Think You Can Dance (maybe be hard for me, I love this show with an unending passion)

I'll end the voting randomly, so get commenting.

Oh, and I'm bummed TWOP isn't updating this week. Four words: Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency

American Idol 5/23/06

2006-05-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

"The most sought-after title in television?" Oh Ryan, hyperbole does not suit you.

So, there are two left: a lovely lady with the unfortunate predilection for ranging way off tune and a complete asshole. Weeeeee!

Randy says "It's now or never." No shit Sherlock. Good advice, they might have been saving their best stuff for next week.

Kat ("Black Horse and a Cherry Tree"): This time was even better than the last. Can you believe it? I think it's the hopping around and the groping. Those were some happy box drum players. "She's over 18, right? Awesome." Oh, and people, if you're sending roses to a reality show contestant you need someone to come over and help you understand how to spend your money wisely.

Taylor ("Livin' for the City"): So this is how it's going to be, Taylor? You're going to start out in a magenta velvet blazer? Okay, you started it, asshole. Nervous potato head, that's Taylor. The song sounds pretty good, I guess. It's not terribly challenging. "Livin' for the city, livin' for the city, livin' for the city." The dancing was dumb, but weirdly restrained because of his nerves. Slut Pumps has a lady mullet!

Kat ("Somewhere Over the Rainbow"): Very nice, again. A little more shaky than the last week, but if there ever was a song to show nerves this would be it. In this case, the shakiness added a humanity to the performance, enhanced it. Her dad sure cries a lot. Man.

Taylor ("Levon"): Taylor's parents are still alive? Good for them, they must be a hundred years old to have a kid as old as Taylor. Eh, this was fine. Kind of boring. With a suit that shiny you'd expect a little more oomph. When Taylor's not farting about there just isn't much to him. I loved Paula saying "Out of tune? That's Taylor's bag."

Kat ("My Destiny"): Where do they get these songs? Do they go trolling through Celine Dion's trash can? This song is awful. It doesn't help that Kat is all over the place. I hope if she ever records this mess she at least finds the notes. Poor Simon, he knows Taylor's going to win. You can see the fear in his eyes.

Taylor ("Do I Make You Proud?"): Ugh, once again, these "single" songs are terrible. Ready for adult contemporary radio. The good news? Taylor stands in one place. The bad news? B O R I N G. The worst news? Shut up about "Soul Patrol." Yikes. He's going to be unbearable when he wins.

Best of the night? Still like Kat's Cherry Tree
Worst? Kat's Destiny
Going to win? Taylor, and it's going to be hilarious

Had a bad day? Does this mean this is the last time I ever have to hear this song?

American Idol 5/16/06

2006-05-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

Elliott, Kat, and Taylor. See what you people have done? I don't vote, so don't blame me. I want Taylor to win now, just to see the look on Simon's face. "I have to promote this train wreck? Bollocks!"

So, it's three songs tonight. Joy. First song is chosen by Skeletor. Or Clive Davis. Whatever. Second song is chosen by a judge and "announced" by a "fax" from a "judge" in a gee-golly hometown "rally." Third song is the contestant pick. Oh, that's going to be "good."

Elliott ("Open Arms"): Journey. Meh. Not really surprised Randy was a member for a while (did you know? Randy might have mentioned it once or twice over the years). Elliott was Elliott again. What to say? It sounded nice -- ready for adult contemporary radio. The guy can sing. He looks like a Keebler Elf, but he can sing.

("What You Won't Do for Love"): Funky white boy. I thought that was Taylor? (Ick). Elliott is so nervous. I can't fault him. I'd be a wreck. Too bad it shows up so much in his voice. He sounds okay, unexciting, but fine. I need a macro for that.

("I Believe to My Soul"): This is Elliott's first Ray Charles song of the season? I could have sworn every song he did before was Ray Charles. Where's my Elliott macro? Nice, boring, pleasant, forgettable. If I were Tyra I'd say "Elliott has all the potential in the world, but when he stands before me at judging I see nothing."

Kat ("I Believe I Can Fly"): Okay, who doesn't think about underage sex videos when they hear this song? Makes it extra skeevy for me. Speaking of skeevy, did you see Kat's body language when she was sitting with Clive? Now there's a girl afraid of the bad touch. Clive feeds Kat's delusions about being Whitney or Alicia. She just doesn't have it in her. Case in point: this song. Ouch. If the "Kat Signature Sound" is going to be thin, shaky, breathy, and off-key then I guess Clive succeeded. My friend Maja says Kat's got a Broadway sound. I believe she is right. Am I the only one who's unmoved by the sparkly, sparkly eyeshadow? WTF?

("Somewhere Over the Rainbow"): Simon really wants Kat to win. Don't blame him, can you imagine trying to market Taylor or Elliott (or even to explain Taylor)? Kat does a fabulous job. Just terrific. Night and day compared to her first song. The arrangement was nice, but a little frustrating. It was hard to sing along to. Paula nailed it: Kat does well when she doesn't lay it on too thick.

("I Ain't Got Nothing but the Blues"): Teeny-tiny dress there. Go-go boots as well. This song is pretty self-indulgent. Very Broadway (Maja, you've ruined me for Kat!). Weird performance. I had a strange thought during this: "I'd sure like to see Queen Latifah perform this." Where did that come from?

Taylor ("Dancing in the Dark"): Clive gives Taylor a song about being tired, bored with himself and growing old. Brilliant. This is the first time I've ever paid attention to the lyrics, before I always assumed it was about masturbation. Speaking of self-gratification, Taylor fucks around again. Stupid finger guns. He sounds fine. It's Taylor. He sounds like Taylor. Oh, and Paula makes a very jiggly Courtney Cox. The best part? Taylor pulls her up on the attention-whore stage, dances with her for half a measure, and then leaves her hanging. Bitch'll cut a man for that.

("You Are So Beautiful"): Taylor gets the governor of Alabama because Taylor isn't from a "city." He was spawned from a cell in a lab. A very annoying cell in a very annoying lab. Taylor's got the "gotta poop" face going on. Prunes Taylor! Eat some prunes! The song was Taylor again. Kinda flat, "soulful," whatever. You Taylor people like him so that's that. Hey Taylor, Bran For Life Bread has 5 grams of fiber per slice. Oh, and who's buying those ugly-ass Old Navy shorts?

("Try a Little Tenderness"): Raise your hand if you're surprised by this choice. Was anyone else thinking Jon Lovitz in The Wedding Singer? The best part? The look on Simon's face. Ha! Sorry dude, he's your American Idol. You're stuck with him. Heeeee! If you don't want someone to win, don't give them to the American people. They can't vote correctly for shit. Have you seen our president?

Best? Sparkle rainbow Kat
Worst? Kat can't fly
Going home? Elliott

Aras? Was drunk. Arrogant ass.

American Idol 5/9/06

2006-05-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Before we begin I need to give props to the San Diego County Health Department. I e-mailed them about getting food poisoning and within a few hours someone called to get more detailed information. Within 48 hours a health inspector called having gone out to the restaurant to do an inspection. Now that's service! I spent about twelve seconds feeling sorry for ol' Angelo's, and then I remembered the puking. And then I wanted to send fifteen more inspectors over.

Elvis! Graceland was not the birthplace of rock 'n' roll. Nope. Well, it was if Chuck Berry happened to spend a lot of time there, but I don't think he did. Graceland is the birthplace of honkey rock 'n' roll. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Tony Mottola? Look out, Kat! It's a vampire!

Taylor ("Jailhouse Rock"): No. No. Stupid red striped suit. Stupid singing at the guitarist's crotch (what was up with that?). Stupid flailing about and losing the monitors from the ears. Stupid white people in the audience unable to find the beat. "Terrible impersonation of Elvis Presley" -- Simon is right-on. It was Taylor, and you people who like him probably thought that was great. You are wrong.

("In the Ghetto"): How awesome would this have been had Taylor done Too Short's "Money in the Ghetto" instead? I have a funny story about that song. It involves my husband, his brother, and two cousins rolling through the mean streets of Oxnard singing that song. That's a quartet of bad-ass white boys from the ghetto right there. Heh. ANYWAY, Mottola tells Taylor to cut the bullshit and he does and it's great. Very well done. Taylor still does the crazy stroke victim face, but otherwise it's all about the song. Very good. Still, the Too Short song would have been outstanding. Hey, it's Sucre! Hi Sucre!

Chris ("Suspicious Minds"): Chris, gah, don't talk. You're boring. BO-RING. The song is nice. It's Chris. You know how I said last week he's not going to grow and change because he's been doing this so long? I was right, see? I liked it, I really did. It's a great song to start with. Not much else to say about it. Oh, and "Penis with ears" is hilarious. Good one, votefortheworst.com.

("A Little Less Conversation"): Hey, it's that song from Oceans 11. I love that movie (the modern, full of amazing hotties plus Bernie Mac version, of course). Most of this is sing-talking. We all know how I feel about sing-talking. It's a great song. What went wrong? Even though the lights were all flashy and the band was jumping, it seemed bland. Disappointing. I know Chris isn't a girl, so I'll forgive him for not knowing this: if you're going to wear a white cotton shirt, wear an undershirt -- especially if you're going to be under lights.

Elliott ("If I Could Dream"): Not good when your video package has Mottola saying you suck right before you start singing. You think the show wants Elliott gone? I do. Not Elliott's best ever. He's got a fine voice, but this was kind of a cruise ship performance to me. Wait, the judges loved it. What? I'm so confused. The only thing I'm sure about is Elliott and Ryan have been shopping together.

("Trouble"): Elliott is evil? Heh. Elliott and his peach shirt are the definition of "A Good Jewish Boy." He sounds great, but the whole "I'm eeeeeee-vil, so dontcha mess around wit me" line is just funny. Anyway, now the judges want him to stay. We shall see. It was a terrific performance.

Kat ("Hound Dog All Shook Up"): I bet a lot of people think these two songs are the same song. Smooshing them together makes it seem like Kat's in a high school drama production of "The Hits of Elvis." Weird. Anyway, hop hop hop, Kat's hopping around. Don't dance when you sing unless you can keep your breath. Why do you think Britney lips syncs? (well, besides the fact she sounds good when the studio fixes her voice). Simon called it manic and shrieky -- he's right. The shirt is weird -- what a boring gray color. It also looks like a maternity shirt. I'm not going to get on her too much. *cough* Still wearing maternity clothes myself *cough*

("I Can't Help Falling in Love With You"): Do you think Mottola proposed to Kat? I bet he did. Now the song. Ack! My ears! Was there one note in that in tune? It felt like Slut Pumps was back. Terrible, terrible, just awful. Please let it be over bad. Yikes. Monitor troubles? Even I can sing this one in tune.

Best? In a night of suck, Ghetto-boy Taylor
Worst? I can't help falling out of love with Kat's last song.
Going home? It pains me to say it, Kat may have bought it this time.

Missed opportunity? "Love me Tender" Come on, people, how can you not sing "Love me Tender?" That's our favorite lullaby around here, I'm bummed we didn't get to hear it.

Gloomy gloomy

2006-05-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about southern California? Okay, second thing (I always forget about the trashy celebrities). Sun, right? California = Sun. Southern California = SunSun.

I'm here to tell you it's all a pack of lies. There's a dirty little secret about southern California, at least the coastal areas (I will forgive you if you don't realize that most of California is actually a desert -- come visit and check it out). There is very little sun in the late spring and early summer. Here in San Diego they call it May Gray and June Gloom. The clouds roll in overnight and stick around until early afternoon, at least.

We're deep in the thick of it right now. I haven't seen the sun in days. Why does this surprise me every year? You'd think I'd eventually get used to it. Each May I start bitching about the gloomy skies and some local has to remind me that this is "normal." Normal? Isn't that what this incredibly high cost of living is for? The sun?

Look, I grew up in the deserty part of California. It rains about an inch a year and there are typically more than 300 sunny days per year. The sun being out is what normal is to me.

How do the rest of you people deal with this? Lord forbid I move somewhere where the sun stays hidden AND it's all cold and nasty.

So, if you step outside and see the beautiful sun smiling at you, think of poor me in my gloomy house. Feel sorry for me. Oh, and the $3.40/G gas prices. That sucks too.

American Idol 5/2/06

2006-05-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

So I'm actually re-watching this as I type this time. I'm getting over a nice bout of food poisoning (see you in hell, Angelo's breakfast burrito) so when I watched the show last night I was in a really pissy mood. I hated everything. We'll see if I like things better today.

Two songs each? That means we get songs that have been weirdly cut and with uneven arrangements.

Elliott ("Broadway," 1978): Isn't this song like a hundred million years old? Elliott really sucks with this one. Shaky, uneven, and forgettable. Too bad they couldn't get him a jacket that fit. I'm also not a big fan of the sloppy, loose tie. Either wear a tie or don't, you know?

("Home"): Beautiful. Very nicely done. The only problem? The song is BORING. You know what this song reminds me of? My summer as an "administrative assistant" for a linen supply company. I was allowed to listen to music, but only the adult contemporary station. It was torture. You want to know why I hate Bryan Adams so much? That summer has something to do with it. This song belongs right in that hell. I have no idea where Elliott is going to end up in the music universe, I do know he won't be the American Idol. Whatever that means.

Paris ("Kiss," 1988): Gross! And wildly inappropriate. I will forgive her for being born like yesterday, but the song is a creepfest. There were loads of other good songs in 1988. Why pick this one? Anyway, beyond being grossed out by baby Paris singing this song, I thought it was pretty bad. Screechy, jiggly, and weird. I'm guessing the pink slut pumps are a little homage to Kellie. Sweet?

("Be Without You"): The outfit! Nothing quite like an outfit that makes you look like you've got a muffin top. Camo with a red belt and sparkly sparklies everywhere? Oooo-kay. Oh, I DO want to know where she found the long, shimmery diaper cover she's wearing. I might want to get a pair for the baby for Halloween. What could be cuter than a baby Jack Sparrow? The singing: more Paris. She'll be great in another five years or so. She's got talent, but she's so young.

Chris ("Renegade," 1979): Good, it was Chris, exactly. You can tell Chris has been performing for a while because he has his whole "thing" figured out. I liked this performance MUCH better this morning than I did last night. If you're looking for growth and development from Chris I think you're going to be disappointed. This is Chris, like him or not, he's not changing. The all-black thing is getting boring, though. Chocolate brown would be a nice change, think about it.

("I Dare You"): More Chris! See, Chris is Chris. My throat hurt just watching him sing this song. The song is okay, it's got a Matchbox 20 vibe -- take that as a complement if you like. Not really my thing, but fine for this competition. Did you know this song has something to do with fire? Fire! Fire! Fire!

Kat ("Against All Odds," 1984): The outfit? We're solving our KatHouse exposure problem by stuffing Kat into an over-tight dress that also manages to be frumpy. Maybe I'm just still sick, but I hated the dress. The song? I actually like the original version of this song. There's something about Phil Collins's voice that makes songs that would otherwise be terrible just great. THIS song, almost always sounds terrible when sung by anyone else. Case in point: Kat. It seemed like she missed notes all over the place. Her voice sounded so thin. Blech.

("Black Horse and the Cherry Tree"): What the hell? Barefoot and writhing around on the floor? Good thing the song rocked. What a fun, engaging performance. It was the only memorable one of the night (and the only one I could stand when I watched it originally).

Taylor ("Play that Funky Music (White Boy)," 1976): Just wanted to let you know, there is NO WAY Taylor was born the same year I was. Unless that year actually lasted, like twenty-five years. I just can't believe we graduated from high school the same year. Class of '94? You've got Taylor (I think I'm getting sick again). Do I really need to talk about the "performance?" You all know what I'm going to say. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It's full-up on Taylor bullshit. He was so busy prancing around like an idiot he forgot to sing. Terrible.

("Something"): Cheater! Everyone else had to pick crappy contemporary songs and Taylor found a workaround. It was pretty good. It passed the "Don't look at the screen and you might like it" test. It's a great song, too bad it was victim to the hack-job this show does to get ten songs in. Taylor's still an asshole, even if the song didn't suck as much as usual.

Best? Kat's floor boogie.
Worst? The very unfunky Taylor's paisley shirt (plus the song).
Going home? My gut says Paris but Elliott is likely too. Kat's first song may be enough to see her go, as well.

The burrito? FUCK YOU.

Typos and mis-spellings? Ask me if I care right now.

American Idol 4/25/06

2006-04-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

Love songs. Snore. I think love is great. Love love love love love. Little cherubs and sparkly eyes, who doesn't love love? Love songs, on the other hand, are treacly, overwrought, and BORING. Love songs are the domain of Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, and other blights on humanity. They are also the bread and butter of this "talent show" so I guess we have to just get on with it.

With Andrea Bocelli and David Foster we have a pleasant, but oversexed opera singer and a man gunning for Simon's job. Fun!

Kat ("I Have Nothing"): Kat's busting out! At the start all I could think was "BOOBIES!" Then, as she got going and started to do the squat -- you know the "I'm singing so dang hard I think I might drop a load right here on the stage" squat -- her dress started to unbutton. If you looked carefully enough you got a view of the Kat house. (!!!) Word to the wise: if your button has no function sew it closed. The singing? Fine, I guess. I hate the song. It's hard for me to see beyond that. I think she did okay, not great but okay. I still think she's the best candidate for the win. We shall see. I missed all of Paula's rambling because they either forgot to mike her or decided we didn't need to hear what she said. Either works for me.

Elliott ("A Song for You"): Great. Very nice. He's still not the "American Idol," whatever that means. It means he won't win, but he's fun to watch. He looked like he raided Ryan's closet tonight. No, he didn't come out of Ryan's closet -- Elliott is asexual, but not in a creepy way like Ace.

Kellie ("Unchained Melody"): A beautiful song given the Slut Pumps treatment, what did we do to deserve this? Like I've said before, Kellie is an example of contemporary country singers who have no control over their voices so they go into country so they can call it "twang." Kellie just aims in the general direction of the correct note and if she misses (most of the time) she just warbles a bit so it sounds more "country." That's just sloppy. Patsy Cline hit her notes, people.

Paris ("The Way We Were" AKA "Memories"): Once again, if you like Paris's shtick, you liked this. To me it was at once both nasal and guttural. There was no authenticity in it whatsoever. I was a little freaked out by her bobblehead action. "Lyric lyric lyric important lyric [bobble bobble bobble]." Like I've said before, Paris could win this season but she already won when her name was Fantasia.

Taylor ("Just Once"): Were you missing Bucky? Guess what -- Taylor's going to make it all better. He grabbed Bucky's sack of marbles and shoved them in his mouth before walking on stage. Taylor: now with 30% fewer consonant sounds! I totally thought "Jusswon" would be the song for Taylor but it was boring, mumbled, and useless. At least he didn't hop around. He DID look like an out-of-work magician in his velvet suit.

Chris ("Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman"): God, this song sucks. Who is buying this Bryan Adams crap? I know you're out there, his songs sell millions. I don't get it. He's got such a creepy pedophile vibe. Here's a sample from this God-awful song:

You’ve gotta breathe her - really taste her
Til you can feel her in your blood
N’ when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
Ya know ya really love a woman

Seriously, people. That's just weird. That being said, Chris did an awesome job. He totally ignored Foster's advice to sing from his diaphragm, but it was still good. If he can give me goosebumps during a fucking Bryan Adams song then you know he did a good job.

Best? Chris
Worst? Slut Pumps
Going Home? I give even odds to Kat and Paris. Poor Kat was stuck with the first performance, but she did flash some undies. Maybe that'll give her a few more votes.

The producers? Feeling pretty stupid for hyping Slut Pumps all season. She really sucks.

What did he do?

2006-04-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

I was going to post about the feminist implications of my staying home with the baby but I can't seem to find a way to make it funny and not whiny/attention-grabby. So, instead, I'm going to tell you what the baby did last night.

He gave me a hickey.

I woke up this morning to a hickey on my breast. (Husband is off the hook on this one, in case you were wondering).

I've made it 29 years without ever getting a hickey and my dear, sweet child has gifted me with my first. All I can figure is he was so dang tired last night that he was nursing in his sleep, only missed the mark by about an inch.

So, next time someone asks me about co-sleeping I'll have something to add to the wonderful stories about the whole family cuddled in bed and my not having to wake up to feed the baby in the night. I will tell them that sometimes co-sleeping babies give you love bites.

Isn't parenting awesome?

American Idol 4/18/06

2006-04-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

So this is late. Sorry. I spent most of the day getting a spoiler installed on the new minivan. Yeah, that's right. A spoiler on the minivan. It's now the most bad ass mo-fo minivan around. Stop me before I get spinning rims and a purple neon undercarriage spaceship light.

Okay, so tonight is "Rod Stewart really needs money" night. Oh, oops. It's "Rod Stewart sings the standards" night. I was really hoping they'd make all the kids drink a bottle of vodka and smoke a carton of unfiltereds so they'd have that Rod Stewart voice. Oh wait, perhaps that explains Taylor.

Two things:

Paula's giant boobs were on full display. I kept the baby from looking whenever she was on camera. I was afraid he was going to go up and start sucking the television.
I hope I'm not the only one skeeved out by Rod's young hot wife and itty-bitty baby.

Now, to the singing.

Chris ("What a Wonderful World"): Beautiful song. This one is a guaranteed tearjerker, especially the one about babies learning more than I'll ever know. Chris did a fine job. Nothing to make fun of here. The outfit was a bit strange, but not terribly objectionable. I did laugh at the judges praising him for changing his style. Two weeks ago they were praising him for never compromising or changing. Next week they'll be getting on him for having changed. But this week, THE ONLY WEEK THAT MATTERS EVER EVER EVER SO DON'T TALK TO US ABOUT BEING HYPOCRITICAL, was great because he changed things up. Whatever.

Paris ("These Foolish Things"): Very nice. Mostly because she stood in one place and didn't hop about like a caffeinated cricket. Her voice was generally beautiful, but it still had a touch of something I don't like. I'm not sure what to call it. Nasally arrogance? Affected grumble? Theatrical treacle? Whatever it is, it's what keeps me from being a Paris fan. All in all, however, it was quite nice. Definitely her best performance yet.

Taylor ("You Send Me"): Lord. Most of the song was sung in a thin, boring voice. He stood in one place and didn't fart about, but he wasn't really even singing. I'll get all Simon and say it was bad karaoke. Then, about 3/4 through, whatever drug cocktail Taylor's on kicked in. There he was, bouncing around like a fool again. The singing got better, but the effect of the bipolar performance was just too jarring. It was not nearly as good as advertised. Oh, and Rod, don't encourage him. Please.

Elliott ("It Had to be You"): Fun. It's a good song, very singable. My kid hears it all the time, but my voice sucks really bad (it's still better than Ace's). Elliott did a fine job. He's so talented. He's obviously not the American Idol. He's just a good singer. He doesn't have the personality to win, which is basically what Simon said. I do like that he seems to be wholly unimpressed with the guest stars every week. I think Stevie Wonder was the only one he was the least bit excited about.

Kellie ("Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered"): It's obvious why VoteForTheWorst.com has picked Pickler. My word, she's terrible. She just shoved the song up her dumb nose and sang the whole thing in a range of about four notes. She's like a bad SNL parody of Carrie Underwood. Also, have you noticed how much she likes the slut pumps? These were even all sparkly. They were a weird choice for the bridesmaid dress and chopped straw wig she was wearing.

Ace ("That's All"): Ace saunters out looking like a goomba from a bad 80's romantic comedy. He's wearing an ugly suit and has even slicked his hair back. See, people? He's really not that attractive. With all his greasy hair pulled back you can actually see his face. He looks like John Travolta. *shiver* Oh, you wanted me to talk about the singing? I don't want to. Adam Sandler did a better job in The Wedding Singer. Did you get that? Adam Sandler did a better job. At least Sandler has the decency to sing the actual song, not make up a melody as he goes. Even Rod Stewart told him to sing the damn song. A quick message to any 12-year-old girls reading this in case Ace makes it to next week: please stop voting for Ace. He will never marry you for he is very, very gay.

Kat ("Someone to Watch Over Me"): Nothing to say, she was amazing. Beautiful job. I think she should win. She's the best fit. Chris doesn't belong here, just like Bo last year. If I ever actually voted I think I'd be voting for Kat. Too bad for her I can't be bothered.

Best of the night? Kat
Worst? Ace has a slight edge on Kellie
Going home? Ace, for the love of all that is good, ACE.

Bucky? Probably breathing a huge sigh of relief that he didn't have to sing these songs.

My Cousin Needs Some Help

2006-04-17T14:22:00.000-07:00

No making fun this time. My favorite cousin, Tina, has been accepted to join Up With People and is several thousand dollars away from having enough to go. Both her parents just lost their jobs so she's SOL for the money -- it's an awful lot to raise for a 20-year-old, even one going to school full-time and working a couple jobs.

So, if any of you wonderful people have a few spare dollars in your Paypal account, could you send some to Tina? She's a really wonderful girl and this opportunity is a huge deal for people from the rural area we grew up in.

Help out Tina.

American Idol 4/11/06

2006-04-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Poor Freddie Mercury, I'm sorry such things have happened to your songs. If this night proved anything, it's that the songs belong to you and you alone. Rest in peace, buddy.

Bucky: I know before I've said he sings like he has a mouth full of marbles. This week he took out the marbles and replaced them with a soggy wad of canvas. I love "Fat Bottomed Girls." It's a wonderful song (loved even before I had a fat bottom myself). Bucky just Buckys through it and eventually it's over. I'm confused about why he's in a singing competition. Oh yeah, right, this isn't really a singing competition, is it?

Ace: What's the worst boy band? Is it 98 Degrees? Sure, let's go with that. Okay, imagine 98 Degrees is going to do a benefit concert for something that worries them, say a worldwide shortage of chest hair wax. Now 98 Degrees finds out about this terribly important benefit just hours before it starts. What to sing? Luckily they had just come from a baseball game and had drunkenly sung "We Will Rock You" with the crowd even though their team was losing. Eureka! This is what Ace sounded like. It was bad. Bad bad bad bad. My mom has video of two-year-old me singing this song in my crib and, even though I was unable to correctly form the "r" song and I have a glorious four-note range, my toddler version blows the pants off Ace's. Speaking of pants. Is there anything more embarrassing than brand-new, too big leather pants? Poseur alert!

Kellie: Look out! It's Robot Bondage Stripper Barbie! And she's singing the most famous murder-suicide song ever! Even though Kellie looks a right mess and totally doesn't understand the meaning of the song, it's not terrible. It's not fantastic, but it's not terrible. I mean, really, how many people grind and hip-thrust while telling their mothers their farewell confession? In a small little way that was awesome. Her "I'm dumb" act reached a new low when she pretended she didn't know what paper is. Lord.

Chris: Sings great, but I agree with Simon. The song was a poor choice for him and for the competition. I'm also quite annoyed with the seizuriffic lighting. Let the boy sing, if it rocks we'll decide on our own without your little flashy lights. Chris is handsomely wearing the male version of the outfit Kellie tried and failed to make work.

Kat: Nice but a bit boring. I'm not a power ballad person, I guess. She kind of looked like she was going to interview for a secretary position. Gorgeous, but not really a performance outfit. Who's dressing her again?

Elliott: Finally! That was great. I loved it. Loved it loved it loved it. He redeemed himself to me a little bit. I greatly enjoyed his whole performance this week, the first time in a long time. Will he win? No, but it's fun to have him doing a good job.

Taylor: Taylor's back, great. I guess it was too much to hope he'd keep getting sick so he wouldn't be pulling his inane bullshit anymore. Thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, Taylor's back and annoying the hell out of me again. (You want me to mention it? You'll have to wait. ) The singing itself was great. He really did well with the song. The performance was just atrocious. (I'm getting ready to mention it, but not quite yet.) I was terrified he was going to fall off the stage behind the judges. Terrified, but secretly hoping it would happen, because two good laughs in a performance would be so awesome I think I'd fall over in shock. (Okay, here goes). The best part of the entire performance was when Taylor tried to Constantine it up by kicking over the mic stand but he misses, or is such a wimp that he can't even do it. Then you get him trying to remember to keep the song going while staring down the mic stand and threatening to kill it and all of its children. He finally knocks it over and runs away from it. Ha! Don't look back dude! I laughed and then rewound it again, and again, and again. In an attempt to Constantine his performance, he went ahead and Constantine'd it up good. I'm still wiping tears away.

Paris: Look! It's Robot Bondage Stripper Barbie's ethnic friend, Parbie! Paris Fantasia's it up again. That's pretty much it. There are parts of the song that are very good, there are parts that are very bad. There are parts where she's basically just talking. The wig is scary and the outfit is sparkly. It's Paris-brand Paris. If you like it then you liked it. If you don't then you didn't. You can all guess how I feel.

Best? Elliott, finally
Worst? Ace by a mile.
Going home? Should be Ace. Yikes.
Mikey Dolenz? Squeeeee! My lifelong obsession with the Monkees belongs in a post all its own. Perhaps someday I'll share.

American Idol 4/4/06

2006-04-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so let me start out with truth and disclosures and such and such. I don't like contemporary country "music," my house still smells of skunk, and my general outlook fairly sucks today. Just thought I'd let you know.

Country music. Lordy, lordy, lordy.

First things first: I don't think Paula's been that drunk in a long time. Wow! She could barely sit up. I don't know if it's sad or awesome to have a job you can show up for totally sloshing drunk. Oh, and Randy looks like he's late for his barbershop quartet rehearsal.

Once again, I pretty much agree with everything Simon says (especially his comments on how much the songs suck).

Let's get this over with so I don't have to think about it anymore.

Taylor: Thinly sung, boring as sin, and totally forgettable. Someone forgot to wake him up before he sang. I thought he would have found something bluesy to sing. Really bad -- we'll see if his fan base is big enough to keep him out of the bottom three.

Mandisa: I thought it was good, as good as the song itself can be. It was better than last week, that's for sure. She sure can sing.

Elliott: SNORE. Did anyone like this performance? The judges did, which I don't get. It was more than the song just sucking, Elliott looks like he's checked out. Maybe I'm just tired of giving him second chances and have given up hoping for an outstanding performance. Potential bottom three here, I think.

Paris: Arrrgh Matey! Dressed up like a pirate and singing the most boring song ever recorded. Great. What does this freak show of an outfit have to do with the first song you'd put on the "Songs from the Dentist's Chair" album? Okay, I will say that she sang it just fine. The song is terrible. The overall annoyance level remains the same, it's just that this time it's the song and not the tick-y affected performance.

Ace: More of the same. It's Ace, he can only sing so well. I finally figured him out. He's that white kid who desperately wanted to be in Menudo. The only problem is Menudo isn't exactly for greasy white kids, oh, and they don't exist anymore.

Kellie: It's a country song. Which she sings exactly like a country song. Yay? She's very successful with what she tries to do, it's not her fault I don't like anything about it. Oh, and the slut pumps are atrocious.

Chris: Nice, pleasant, well-sung, and boring as all hell. I remember enjoying it in the moment, but have almost no memory of it now. He's still gorgeous.

Kat: Finally! This is a performance I can get behind. The song is still dumb (Faith Hill? Right?), but she does a good job. She showed some real spark. I will be surprised if she's in the bottom three again.

Bucky: Just like Kellie, Bucky set out to do a dag-gumed country song and succeeded. He's still a marble-mouth, though.

Best of the night? Kat
Worst? Taylor
Going home? No idea, though I wouldn't be surprised by Elliott, Taylor, or Ace.

House? Still skunky.

Do you smell that?

2006-04-05T07:43:00.000-07:00

Rocky (86 lb. golden retriever) killed a skunk this morning. At 5:45 AM. In front of the air intake for the heater. Ahem.

I'm trying to find a way to make fun of this situation. I'm at a loss. Even the baby smells of skunk.

Oh, did I mention I'm having lunch with my boss today? I'm supposed to be working out a plan for me to return to work as a contractor.

Admit it: they're just comic books

2006-04-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

A few days ago we watched Frank Miller's Sin City. I'm not sure if I loved it, but I think I liked it. I may have really liked it, but I'm not sure. It was unique and striking, I'll give it that.

The whole thing got me thinking, though. "Graphic novels" -- that's what everyone wants to call comic books these days. Ooooh, it sounds so grown-up and fancy. "Let's have a convention to discuss our graphic novels." Here's the deal: they're comic books. They are pages with lots of pretty pictures and very few words. They are not novels, so adding "graphic" to the name doesn't make us think you're literate and in touch with the pulse of progressive culture. Novels are these things with lots and lots of pages filled with words in small print and surprisingly few pictures. They require reading and comprehension and imagination to enjoy. Comic books are for people who generally prefer digesting stories with as little reading as possible. They are also for people who enjoy female characters to have unusually large breasts, but that's a topic for a separate discussion.

There's nothing wrong with comic books. Buy 'em, read 'em, enjoy 'em (but please stop making movies based on them). Just remember that at the end of the day they're still comic books.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Someday I might tell you about how much sparkly lip gloss I own. . . .

American Idol Performances 3/28

2006-03-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

Here's the post that got this whole blog thing started:

Oh dear. That was about the worst hour of television I've seen in a long time. Is this really what popular music is like now? I'll admit, I'm a bit of a music snob so I'm pretty out of touch with what's on the Billboard charts these days. If these songs are any reflection it's worse than I thought. The two songs I really knew were a boring Train song and a Fucking Creed song. And, yes, it is required by law that all must call them "Fucking Creed."

Okay, here we go, I guess:

Lisa: Terrible. Thin-voiced, out of range, and distressing. She has way more talent that that.

Kellie: It was a gimmick song worthy of "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer." She did a lot of talk-singing, which has its place but NOT in a singing competition. Okay, to be fair, talk-singing's place is in gimmick songs. The whole thime I kept thinking "What the fuck?"

Ace: Sorry Ace fans, boy can't sing. That was painful. I tried the "close your eyes and see if you like it" trick and it was awful. I tried the "watch and be entertained so you ignore the vocals" trick and he just looked silly. I know people keep insisting he's hot but I just don't see it. I won't go so far as to call him fugly, but he's a lot less pretty than advertised. Oh, and the scar was a cheap, dumb trick. Gross looking, too.

Taylor: This pains me to say, but quite good. His performance was immensely improved by him just standing there holding onto the mike stand (did Simon say that too?). I wasn't distracted by his bullshit and got to enjoy the performance. More please.

Mandisa: Good gracious, woman. Don't scare me like that. She's lucky everyone else sucked so bad because on a lot of other nights that performance would be bad enough to send her packing. I LOVE gospel, LOVE IT. There are loads better gospel songs to choose -- ones that would have torn down the house. The screaming and talk-singing of this one were horrible.

Chris: Fucking Creed. That's not a good place to start, Christopher. PERHAPS I SHOULD WRITE THIS IN ALL CAPS IN RECOGNITION OF THE FACT THAT CHRIS SPENT THE WHOLE SONG SCREAMING INSTEAD OF SINGING. It was really bad; they tried to distract us from the suck with flashy lights and quick camera cuts. Didn't work. Let's all hope this was a one-off and the Chris we all know and love returns next week.

Kat: Once again, competent but unexciting. It sounded a little off, but still better than the majority of the other performances. Matt came in the room and exclaimed, "Look! She's dressed up like a bowling shoe!" Hehe.

Bucky: Well, it looked like he was having a good time at least. The song was fun but it sounded like he had a mouthful of marbles. Oh wait, "marbles" may to be citified. He had a mouth full of rocks, rocks like the ones y'all'd fine down by the river afta doin' sum catfish noodlin'.

Paris: Uh, she had a good time too? More screaming and talk-singing. Did I miss the memo? Was this the theme for the week? Paris was in full-on Fantasia mode (once again, not a compliment). I couldn't bear to watch and the vocal was weak. It's sad when I miss Beyonce's version of something. Very sad.

Elliott: Good vocals, but still not quite "there." It was a mistake for him to remind me of the Bo Bice version of this song because that was amazing. The arrangement really sucked on this one. Elliott is really bugging me because I can hear a good voice, it's just not getting properly presented. Still waiting for him to blow me away. I know he's capable of it.

Best of the night? Someone check if I'm running a fever, I have to say Taylor.
Worst? Ace. My ears! My eyes!
Going home? Lisa: boring, poorly sung, and in first-performance Siberia.

Self-indulgence: it's what's for dinner!

2006-03-29T10:22:00.000-08:00

I've been told to stop making fun of things in private and start doing it somewhere public. Okay, I'll let my ego be stroked. Here is my blog. I'm sure you'll be happy to welcome me to the year 2003.

If any of my family is reading I apologize in advance for the cursing. You know I don't normally have a potty mouth. This is true. My fingers, on the other hand, are very spicy. I probably won't change -- just don't tell Grandma, please.

Hide it under a bushel? Oh no!
I'm going to let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine
Let it shine