AI 2/19/08 -- The "best" 12 guys

Please tell me you're not buying this "best season ever" crap on Idol. Please. Yeah, they have some ringers with some experience, but this sounds like every other season before. They always say "best season ever." Do you really think they're going to say "this season kind of sucks compared to last season, but watch anyway!" Come on.

So, I might be a little more grumpy than usual. I know. This should be fun. My pregnant ass is really picky*, so watch out. I didn't really watch any of the auditions (save San Diego) nor did I see the Hollywood shows. Booo-ring. I don't know who was pimped and who wasn't, but I know some of you already lurrrve some of these jackasses.

There are about three hundred and fifty-eight people singing tonight, so let's dive in.

David Hernandez -- "In the Midnight Hour" Nice voice, forgettable presence. My notes say "Sucks" but obviously I wasn't really aware of how things would go from here. He's pretty good, but needs to find a personality and maybe, I don't know, move a limb or two during the song.

Chikezie -- "More Today than Yesterday" Aw, man, I wanted to love Chikezie. I mean, look at him! He looks like he'd be tons of fun. Orange suit, man! Orange suit! Chikezie commits the biggest Idol sin and is just boring. I'm sure I saw this performance on The Love Boat at my grandma's house when I was a kid. At least then I had an ice cream bar and could fall asleep halfway through. Adios Chikezie. Let's hang out!

David Cook -- "Happy Together" Oooh, that's some fug hair. Man this performance was awful. It was screechingly bad. It's the Turtles! Come on! This guy must be heavily pimped, because he sucks donkey ass. I love that Idol keeps trying to give us "rockers." Heh.

Jason Yeager -- "Moon River" Skunk stripe fug hair. If this guy sticks around I'm going to call him Pepe. The voice is thin and warbly and he's a total cheeseball. They're going to have to show his son a few more times to make sure he gets votes. Aw man, fug hair on the boy too. Poor kid.

Paula says the 60's is "tough." No, you idiot, it's only tough when you suck. You picked these guys, so it's on you.

Robbie Carrico -- "One" This guy toured with Britney Spears? I guess that explains HIS fug hair. He got to borrow the ratty weave tonight. Something makes me think this guy is not really so much the humble guy. He sings pretty well, but he's 100% boy band and 0% "rocker," whatever the hell that is. You just know Ryan is dying to take Robbie out for a hair cut and a nice mani/pedi. In other news, I was totally distracted by the 39 strings on his shirt. It looks like if you tie the strings together just right, you can make a nifty straight jacket. Handy!

David Archuleta -- "Better Shop Around" This is the guy with the paralyzed vocal chord, right? You totally can't tell, until he sings that is. He's nasal and annoying. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to your new Anthony Fedorov?

Danny Noriega -- "Jailhouse Rock" Hey! It's one I like! And Simon hates! Danny had yet even MORE fug hair, but for him it kind of works (like Christian on Project Runway). The performance wasn't perfect but it was actually fun, which was a refreshing change from the dregs before him. I hope the anti-pimp works for him and he stays around for a long, long time.

Luke Menard -- "Everybody's Talkin'" This guy's a carpet cleaner? I call bullshit. I bet he's an aspiring actor/model and cleans carpets to pay the bills. He'll get the pretty-boy vote for a long time (even though he screwed up and showed the wife). He's going to need every single pretty-boy vote he can find. My ears!

Colton Berry -- "Suspicious Minds" Dude, what's with all this fug hair? Is this Sanjaya's fault? What the HELL happened to these boys? Colton rocks the Homer Simpson blue pants, which was the most interesting thing about him. Meh, meh, meh.

Damn, Simon is looking old. Ryan doesn't have an aging portrait of himself sitting in his attic, he has Simon. Get some sleep Simon!

Garrett Haley -- "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" That's totally a chick, right? Is this some sort of joke? Why is this person here? Do I need to mention the hair? The voice? I feel sorry for the guy (guy, right?). Hopefully this will the last time he gets put through this. Us too.

Jason Castro -- "Daydream" Finally! I like this guy's hair. I'm capricious, I know. The one thing I do know is having dreads that long takes an insane amount of time and commitment. You don't just wake up one day and say "I want to stand out on a lame singing-based reality contest, how can I make my hair really weird?" No, dreads take planning. Jason rocks and is really, really good. He's genuine and I'm really wondering how he ended up here. God I hope he makes it to a disco theme night.

Michael Johns -- "Light my Fire" Tool. Tooly, tooly, tool-tool. He's got tooly hair, a tooly affect, and sings like a tool with a sinus infection. I'd call him Craftsman but I actually really like my tools from Sears. I bet people love this guy. People loved Constantine, remember? I know I'm getting old and embarrass myself when I squee when Camper Van Beethoven is on the radio, but I'm pretty sure I remember what "rock" looks like. This is not what "rock" looks like. Clay, Constantine, Ace, Michael -- you ladies need to get out more often.

So? The best Idol ever? They must mean the girls.

Best: Jason Castro
Worst: David Cook
Going home: Chickezie and Garrett Healey


*If you didn't know I was knocked up, let me introduce you to my other blog.